If aliens were to land on Earth and browse the shelves of the parenting section of their local book shop – which, if you were a visiting alien, would of course be the first thing you would do… they would learn three things:
- Parenting is pink.
- Parents need a lot of advice to do what is completely natural and usually happens perfectly well without any information at all.
- Dads are useless, and it’s the Mums job to tell them they are.
This is a shame. Because, while I can live with the pink (just) and the advice (much of which is very useful in those moments when you think you’re the only person making a total pig’s ear of it, and then you realise you’re not, and you feel much better), the bit about Dads being useless is something I can’t go along with. Because, for the most part, they are not.
There are as many mums as dads that struggle with the everyday parenting challenges. It’s just that dads don’t tend to spend large chunks of their lives publicly complaining about us on social media, in magazine columns and in playgrounds.
Most of the fathers I have known over the last 17 years of parenting are dedicated, loving, hard-working, patient, helpful and bloody good at building space-ships out of Lego.
Many dads are doomed before they start, by living with partners who because of their controlling parenting methods don’t let them go anywhere near the baby, in case they get it ‘wrong’ – and then criticize them for not helping out enough.
Many dads also do that selfish thing called ‘going to work for long hours, to pay the bills’, and then get shouted at for not being at home enough. They are then told how little help they are around the house while they’re out earning this money, and having a great time every day on the packed, stinking commuter train, reading all those fun documents.
While I agree that childbirth, giving up a career, and dealing with screaming children for ten years is not exactly a picnic – having done that myself for my three kids – portraying Dads as feckless, lucky, lazy and useless always seems monstrously unfair to me.
I’ve learned a few things about shared parenting, and the most important one is this; we all do things differently. And differently doesn’t mean WORSE.
Generalising hugely, many dads tend to have patience with their children that we mums often lack. I’m almost constantly doing 400 things at once at home, so sitting down to play with a train set for an hour is something that makes me break into a sweat before I’ve started. My husband, on the other hand, could do this, without pause, all day.
No lunch, no nap for the baby, no washing hung out, the entire house looking like a toyshop has exploded in it….but he’s playing happily – and so were our children. That’s something I think is hugely valuable to children, and should be valued, not always criticised.
What we see as mess everywhere, one could also see as a relaxed, fun atmosphere where playing is more important than tidying up… For just a little while!
What my children have learned from their dad, is stuff I could never have taught them, and I’m really glad he has. They are the children of BOTH of us, and we both have different things to offer them.
We’d be wiser, kinder, and better parents if we sat back and let dads do things their way sometimes. Even if we don’t agree with it. Even if it’s slower, or messier, or just….SO annoying! It’s their way.
Happy Fathers Day. Just don’t forget to put the Lego away when you’re finished.