This column was prompted by a phone call from a friend. A call that left my jaw somewhere near my navel. And which related to the whole core of maternal identity that almost all of us struggle with.
I was on a train to London. She called me from her home, sounding part distressed, part confused and part as if she felt really stupid asking, but needed to.
Her dilemma was this; she has two children under five. She is, thus, a mother. Agreed so far. But she is also a musician, film-maker and all round amazingly-talented-creative-type. She had just been away for a week on a film shoot, for the first time since having children.
She was on set for this whole time with young, cool, hip, trendy, largely childless people. She loved it, did a fantastic job, and had a whale of a time – using her brain, talking with adults (adults!) and reliving a part of her that had disappeared and had been replaced by piles of nappies and baby rice for years.
Here was the problem
She felt really, really guilty that she was there as a PERSON, not a mother. Was it really bad, she asked me, that while she was there she didn’t talk about her children, tell people about her being a mother, and just carried on as if she didn’t have children at all – because on set, that was not really relevant.
Worse – was it terrible that she had changed her Facebook prolife picture to a photo of only herself, on set, and not one with her children in it too?
I sat there and almost couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Except….I could. I really, really could. Because I have felt this horrible sensation too . And so have most mothers I know.
It relates to the most fundamental, and infuriatingly baffling question, which every mother –yes, mother, far more often than father. Deal with that fact – faces time and time again, and whether we survive motherhood not depends on our finding an answer to it. It is this:
Who The Heck Am I?
Are you the same person now as you were before you had a baby, or have you left that person behind completely and become somebody new? Really? Furthermore….are you allowed to let your “non-mother” personality out, without looking like a bad mother?
Let’s try to sort this little dilemma out. On the couch, please, and let’s take a look. You probably feel, at various times, like any one or more of the following:
A Partner // A Daughter // A Mother // A Colleague // A Girl // A Friend// A Woman
You may not feel like all of those things, but even if you can tick four or five of the boxes, that’s a whole lot of different sides of your personality to keep an eye on. Not only that, but each one can contain enough sub-personalities to confuse the most highly skilled psychotherapist.
The addition of a new personality, a new part of you, is always traumatic and confusing, and the key, in my most non-expert, non-psychoanalytically trained opinion, is to work out how all the “you’s” can live together. Not how to replace one with another, but how to keep as many of them going as you can, and switch between them.
Adjusting to Motherhood
And that, I believe, is the hardest part of becoming a mother. It’s not the nappy changing, the lack of sleep, the long-lost breasts or the epic responsibility. It’s not missing out on weekend raves, having to wear practical clothing or negotiating a pram around the supermarket.
Coming to terms with the fact that you are a now a mother as well as everything else, and that’s OK, can take a long time to adjust to, and live with comfortably.
Learning how to fit this new status in with all your other roles and personalities is your key to survival.
For me, the most successful method of adjusting to Motherhood has been to keep as many of the Old Me parts going as possible, within my new role as a mother. As soon as I realised that I could be a mum and still be a friend, a girl, a writer and a woman, I felt much happier. I stopped feeling that I should give up all the things I used to enjoy.
The Old Me was still very much alive and kicking, and I had to learn not to neglect her.
Here are some things which might help
- Keep as many ‘normal’ rituals going as possible
The Sunday-night soak, the weekly takeaway, having friends round for a drink, and so on. Keeping as many things the same as they were before you had a child lessens the perceived demolition job on your life. - Have adult conversations
The temptation to talk about kids all the time is almost irresistible, but this means your old relationship with friends, partners and yourself will die completely. You still need to talk about what’s good to read, where to buy the best jeans and what’s coming out at the cinema. - Get time away from your baby
Wander about looking at non-child-related things, feel free of all maternal responsibility, meet up with a friend for a quick chat and a laugh (don’t talk about children!), buy something lovely for yourself (not your child), flick through magazines, go for a run – anything, anything which takes you away from your “mum” character, and lets you be “Old You” again. - Ditch the guilt
When you’re at work… BE THERE. Don’t feel guilty about not being with your children. You’re at work! When you go home, then you’re back with them again. It’s as simple as that. Except…..it’s really hard for a lot of us to do.
So if you have trouble adjusting to your multiple roles of motherhood, don’t feel guilty and don’t worry: you are perfectly normal, it’s vital not to ignore how you are feeling. You can always pick up the phone and call a friend who is stuck on a train, and ask her. She’ll probably tell you exactly what I told my friend – what you’re doing it OK, we all do it, and you have nothing to worry about. Now get out there, find some childcare if you need to, and be the You that you were before you had children.
