Witnessing your child make a mistake, experience failure or struggle with stressful emotions is challenging for any parent. But for helicopter parents? It’s flat out unbearable — which is why they “hover” close to their kids in order to intervene at the first sign of a tough situation, whether it be social, emotional or academic. Sound exhausting? It is. And today helicopter parents are not only burning out their children with their micromanaging, but themselves too.
So what exactly is helicopter parenting? We take a look at what it means to be a helicopter parent, how it impacts both kids and carers, plus the best ways to avoid falling into the helicopter parenting trap.
What is helicopter parenting?
Helicopter parenting refers to a parenting style adopted by carers who are overly involved in their children’s lives, often to the point of controlling every aspect of their activities and decisions and setting strict rules and standards aimed at helping their child succeed. If things go wrong for their children, helicopter parents may step in and solve the issue for them, which can hamper a child’s capacity to develop their own independence and decision-making skills — an outcome which often runs counter to the parents’ good intentions.
How the definition of helicopter parenting is changing
While definitions of the four most well-known parenting styles have remained consistent through the years, the one for helicopter parenting continues to evolve.
The concept of helicopter parenting was first introduced by child psychotherapist Haim Ginott in 1969 in relation to the negative parent–child relationship that can form between teens and overbearing carers. In 1990, child development researchers Foster Cline and Jim Fay coined the specific term “helicopter parent” to describe how overprotective “hovering” behaviour was becoming increasingly prevalent among parents of children of all ages.
Intensive parenting is a sister to helicopter parenting and commonly occurs today. Intensive parenting refers to a style of parenting that not only revolves around “hovering” to stay overly involved in a child’s life, but also investing an increasing amount of time, money and energy to ensure the child’s success. This can take many forms, from micromanaging marks and homework through online portals in order to prevent poor performance, to spending more money on extracurricular activities, sports or tutors.
So, why are helicopter — or intensive — parents doing more than ever? Much of it has to do with today’s educational achievement culture and the widespread belief that the better a student performs at school, the better their chances of success will be. This idea has increased both the stakes and the competition when it comes to getting into university. Helicopter parents are swooping in more than ever to try and help with the sense that their child’s educational attainment is crucial to their life chances going forward.
Examples of helicopter parenting at every age
Helicopter parenting can occur through all stages of a child’s development. Here are some age-by-age examples of helicopter parenting and how it impacts kids:
Helicopter parenting of toddlers
Examples of helicopter parenting at this age include catching toddlers every time they fall as they learn to walk, even if they can fall safely, hovering over a toddler as they play on the playground, not allowing them to interact with other children without close supervision, directing their play and speaking for them. This overprotective behaviour depletes opportunities for kids to gain confidence and master new skills.
Helicopter parenting at preschool
Being overly protective is still a go-to trait for helicopter parents during the preschool stage, as is the tendency to overhelp. For example, helicopter parents may excessively volunteer in a child’s classroom in an effort to take decisions for them and avoid them experiencing any pain, unhappiness or discomfort. They may also tell their children what toys they may play with and even dictate who they can be friends with.
Because this developmental period is marked by limit-testing, which is necessary to develop a sense of self, it’s important for parents to give children the freedom to take part in age-appropriate activities.
Helicopter parenting in primary and middle school
When kids go to primary school, helicopter parents most notably start to micromanage their academic work. Helicopter parents may oversee or even complete homework assignments, closely monitor marks and results and even meet with their child’s teacher or headteacher to demand changes.
On the social front, helicopter parents may overschedule their school-aged children’s activities, provide conflict-resolution with friends or clean and organise their child’s room. But this can backfire in a big way at this stage because tweens are naturally prone to pull away from their parents in favour of their peers towards the end of primary school and early secondary school. Overmanagement can be a source of clashes between parent and child.
Helicopter parenting at secondary school
Many helicopter parents step up their micromanagement of their child’s academic performance at the secondary school level. With qualifications and their child’s future in play, concerns around educational attainment may appear to have higher stakes. Helicopter parents may seek constant updates and bother kids and their teachers during the school day. This intense level of engagement can be anxiety-inducing for young people making their way academically.
What leads to helicopter parenting?
Anxiety and fear are key contributors to the helicopter parenting style. It’s important for parents to get their anxious feelings under control so they can safely allow their child to develop and explore independently. Otherwise, the result may be helicopter parenting.
Here are the most common triggers that lead to helicopter parenting today:
Desire to prevent ‘dangerous’ outcomes
Helicopter parenting often stems from parents’ anxiety about what will happen if they don’t intervene in their child’s life.
The possible outcomes of non-intervention can include both real potential dangers, including substance abuse and unsafe social media use, or perceived threats such as poor educational attainment or friends leading their child astray.
Feeling the pressure to be perfect
A primary reason parents engage in helicopter parenting is the tendency to define aspects of their own self-image in terms of their children’s lives. If they feel their child reflects who they are and their abilities as a parent, they are more likely to attempt to manage how their child turns out in order to maintain their own self-image.
Personal childhood trauma
The helicopter parenting style often stems from the carer’s own childhood. If the parents were neglected or experienced a lack of support in their own childhood, they may overcompensate to protect their children from experiencing the same fate.
The effects of helicopter parenting
Unlike authoritative parenting or gentle parenting, which can offer benefits for the entire family, the helicopter parenting style is only known for its drawbacks. The negative effects of helicopter parenting during adolescence include:
- Lower self-esteem and self-confidence
- Increased anxiety and stress in unfamiliar situations
- Inability to take decisions independently
- Difficulty dealing with failure
When it comes to long-term consequences of helicopter parenting, the negative effects extend even further and get more complicated:
Delayed development in relation to peers
Children and teens who have helicopter parents learn to be more fearful of the outside world and new challenges, which can make them appear more immature than their peers. This is becoming more pronounced in recent generations.
Strained family relationships
Concentrating too hard on a child’s academic performance or some other achievement may impact their relationships with their carers. Feeling judged and pressurised to succeed can create distance as children step back.
Mental health conditions later in life
Young adults with helicopter parents may also suffer setbacks as they leave home for university and beyond. Without the support they are used to, they may struggle to cope with a life they have not learnt to prepare for independently. These young people may also experience anxiety, depression or substance misuse.
Parental burnout
It’s not just children who are feeling the negative effects of helicopter parenting. Carers are feeling the pressure to take on an enormous amount of extra responsibilities, and it’s leading to more parental burnout. Such a heightened sense of ownership over their child’s achievements and wellbeing can lead to impractical standards and high levels of stress and strain on parents who are desperate to measure up.
How to avoid helicopter parenting
To avoid becoming a helicopter parent, it’s a good idea to encourage independence in your kids and to prepare them to face more challenges without setting strict boundaries on how they should tackle them. Let your child know that you will be there to help them as they navigate difficult situations on their own and foster a positive attitude to independent development and growth. Enlisting support from a therapist or other professional may be another useful way of helping them build skills away from the immediate family environment.
Struggling to let go and break out of a helicopter parenting pattern? Here are tips on overcoming a helicopter parenting habit:
Value your relationships with your children over academic performance
Be sure the expectations you have for your child line up with your family’s core values, not those of educational achievement culture. Examples of core values include kindness, resilience, creativity, curiosity and strength — as opposed to getting top marks at school.
Pause before stepping in to solve a problem
Take a moment to reflect and be aware of your own emotions and motivations before helping your child with something going on in their lives. Awareness of the drivers behind your behaviour can help you take a thoughtful step back and let their development play out — safe in the ultimate knowledge that giving them this freedom to grow in a safe environment will boost their sense of self-worth, self-confidence and connection to their parent.
Prioritise trust and communication above all else
Trusting your child to take steps on their own requires communication — with both sides listening and expressing themselves in a respectful way. Offering children a “safe space” to return to as they navigate the stormy waters of life helps build a trusting and supportive relationship and can be much more useful than micromanagement.
The bottom line on helicopter parenting
By being overly involved in their children’s lives, sometimes to the point of controlling every aspect of their activities and decisions, helicopter parents compromise a child’s ability to learn critical decision-making skills and independence. This can lead to delayed development, strained family relationships and even mental health conditions like anxiety and depression. While the motives behind helicopter parenting may be positive and caring, in practice this approach can have a negative impact on everyone involved. Parents should seek alternatives that empower their children to develop and grow wherever possible.
