This guide shows what it means to be a glass child, plus how carers can better understand their unique needs.
The term “glass child” is commonly used to describe the sibling of a child with a disability. Many people on social media who grew up with siblings needing extra support are finding that the idea of a “glass child” — one who feels invisible and whom others “look through” — strikes a chord. For individuals whose parents’ and carers’ energy and focus largely went into caring for their siblings, it can appear to them as if their needs are less worthy of attention.
“Glass child” was originally coined by Alicia Meneses Maples in her 2010 TEDx San Antonio Talk “Recognizing Glass Children”. Maples, who grew up with a brother with autism and another with a terminal illness, emphasised that glass children are called such because their needs go unseen, not because they are fragile. In fact, they are often the opposite. However, a perceived need to be a pillar of strength within the family system can take its own toll.
Because of the severity of the mental health struggles that glass children can endure, they may benefit from professional support and intervention. Here, we take a look at what it means to be a glass child, plus how carers can better understand their unique needs.
What is a glass child?
A glass child is the sibling of a person who requires the ongoing, constant support of their carers. The need for extra support can be due to a physical or mental disability, an illness or even disruptive behaviour.
“Glass child” is an evocative term that draws on the individual’s feeling of invisibility in the face of their sibling’s perceived importance. While not an official term, it has begun to resonate with many.
Here are some of the most common challenges faced by glass children:
Emotional neglect and invalidation
Children of overwhelmed parents may find that emotions which strongly affect them are downplayed and minimised. Carers may allocate their own potentially frayed emotional resources where they believe they are most urgently needed. This can lead to the “glass child” feeling that they are unable to express their emotions or that their feelings don’t matter in the larger scheme of things.
Parentification
Parentification is when a child is forced to take on the role of a carer for their sibling with additional needs, and it can result in anxiety, guilt and both physical and emotional burnout.
Witnessed trauma
Many glass children whose sibling has a medical diagnosis witness traumatic medical events, such as seizures, resuscitation or emergency treatments. However, parents often fail to provide support after such traumas, which can lead to lasting negative impacts such as post-traumatic stress disorder.
Behavioural and emotional characteristics of a glass child
At a young age, lacking family support and time with a parent may come with feelings of sadness and loneliness. As a result, glass children might withdraw from family interactions or, alternatively, seek attention through rebellious behaviour — feeling that any kind of attention is ultimately positive.
Perfectionism is another common characteristic that can develop in siblings of children with additional needs. A “glass child” is likely to pick up on the fact that their sibling needs extra support and may get into the habit of hiding their own problems or difficult emotions so as to avoid putting more strain on their parents. This can have a knock-on effect later in life.
In young adulthood, glass children often experience severe anxiety or depression, as they tend to repress emotions in order to avoid “bothering” the people around them by asking for help. When this happens, teens may turn to maladaptive coping behaviours or tactics for dealing with stressors in an unhealthy way, like using drugs or alcohol.
What is an adult glass child?
An adult glass child grew up with a sibling with additional needs and didn’t receive help processing their own experiences of this particular family situation. Without the necessary support, they may carry feelings of neglect into their adult lives, which can have a profound impact on their mental health.
Individuals under this type of lasting emotional strain may be more susceptible to co-dependent relationships with people struggling with their own issues, such as addiction. They may feel that being close to others and giving help are inextricably linked. They may themselves rely heavily on others to get their needs met or engage in addictive or self-harming behaviours as a way of coping with difficult emotions.
How do I know if I have a glass child?
How can you tell if you have a glass child? Curiosity is your ally. Simply asking your child how they feel and what their life is like having a sibling with additional support needs can unlock what’s going on with them. Avoid being too prescriptive with your questions, so they still have the freedom to open up.
If you notice your child exhibiting any of the following behaviours, they may be in need of extra attention and support:
- Appearing anxious, depressed, withdrawn or angry.
- Losing interest in friends.
- Doing poorly at school.
- Pushing too hard to achieve.
- Rebelling or misbehaving in other ways to get attention.
- Losing interest in activities they used to enjoy, such as sports or music lessons.
It’s important to note that, because glass children are trained to hide their problems, they often do not show signs of emotional struggle. They may be high achievers in and outside of the classroom, masking any sense that they’re struggling, when a drive for academic perfectionism can itself reveal an urge to overcompensate and make life easier for the rest of the family.
Ways to support siblings of children with additional needs
Children are likely to have all kinds of feelings about their lives and their role in the family as a sibling of someone with disabilities. With that in mind, it’s a good idea for parents to be proactive in developing a healthy family dynamic from the start, using the following tactics:
Establish open communication
When carers take the time to ask questions and allow for open, honest conversation, it can make a tremendous difference for glass children. Parents may fear hearing ideas that spark a sense of guilt and powerlessness, but simply having their feelings heard and validated can already be beneficial for the child.
Respect their ideas and emotions
It’s important to respect and engage with your child’s difficult feelings once you have encouraged them to open up. Instead of becoming defensive, ask what your child would suggest to make things easier. Their insights might offer a helpful new way of approaching the family dynamic and their own wellbeing.
Spend one-on-one time with siblings regularly
Routine quality time spent doing a favourite activity with a parent or carer, such as reading, exercise or imaginative play, can be a grounding element that children can rely on when the rest of life is unpredictable. If you are able to set aside this time for your child, make sure to fully focus and avoid distractions so they can fully reap the benefits of this consistency.
Strive for an equitable allocation of resources
Whenever possible, make an effort to distribute time, attention and even financial resources equitably among all children, even if the child with greater needs must make a sacrifice, where safe and reasonable.
Distribute carer duties if possible
If there are multiple carers, they should divide their time when possible so that all children can have a carer with them at all times. It’s also important to note that if a sibling is required to be responsible for a child with additional needs, this should always be the result of a conversation, not a demand. Express your appreciation and find a way to offer the child who is helping you something that they will find rewarding.
Build a community for siblings
Organisations like Sibs, a charity that supports siblings of children with additional support needs, are invaluable in letting young people know they’re not alone.
Seek support as a family
Involve and educate your child’s school on your family life to see if they can access additional support and ensure your child feels understood in every area of their lives. A family therapist or other professional with an understanding of the situation may also help your child navigate life at home and better understand what’s going on with their sibling. Including them in their sibling’s care and teaching them about their condition in a way that does not place an undue burden on them can ease any fears of being left out and can promote understanding and closeness within the family unit.
The bottom line on supporting a glass child
While it is not a clinical diagnosis, the term “glass child” can be useful to carers seeking a better understanding of the unique experiences of siblings of children with disabilities.
At the same time, sibling experiences are not all good or all bad, but represent the full range at different times. Children with siblings who need extra support can develop a deep understanding and empathy for other individuals that makes them more well-rounded individuals. These family dynamics can foster closeness and kindness, and there can also be room for great joy, love and connection.
To support glass children, carers should establish open communication and evenly distribute resources as much as possible. Participating in programmes which stress the value of connecting siblings of children with disabilities so they can share their joys and challenges is another way to foster wellbeing.