And so Valentine’s Day is over for another year. The flowers in the supermarket are now half the price they were two weeks ago, and chocolate boxes are 2-for-1.
Saint Valentine – officially Saint Valentine of Terni, because it sounds more impressive – was a 3rd Century Roman saint, who, for reasons nobody has ever clearly identified, has been associated since the Middle Ages with love, romance, and ludicrously expensive flowers. My hunch is that he owned a greetings-card factory, and needed to boost business.
Whatever the reason for his links with love and schmaltz, he is now commemorated every year on February 14th in lavish and near-bankrupting displays of begrudging generosity, planned spontaneity, obligatory purchasing of chocolates moulded into a shape that doesn’t resemble a human heart at all and then wrapped in pink foil that causes havoc with any metal dental fillings you may have, and expensive dinners nobody wants to eat, after all that chocolate.
Because this, my friend, is the one day of the year when we must officially prove to our partners how much we love them. How much we care. How officially romantic we are. And there is nothing that speaks more clearly to a yearning, loving heart, or proves the presence of love more, than officially imposed romance and a huge credit card bill.
Unfortunately, there is almost nothing that speaks to a child more loudly either, when it comes to relationships and how to conduct them. Or rather… how not to.
Not only once a year
Because if our children see that once a year we suddenly turn the romance up to 11, whereas for the other 364 days it’s all ‘Have you unloaded the dishwasher? Why is there no more shampoo? Please don’t kiss me: I’m listening to the Archers omnibus.’ Then this is what they will think romantic, loving, secure relationships are like: Nothing nothing nothing nothing…..EVERYTHING! Nothing nothing nothing.
In other words, the way we behave towards our partner, can have a profound effect on the way our children will be behave towards theirs, within the relationships they will form.
As if we didn’t have enough to worry about already – now we have to be romantic? Well, yes, we do. A bit. Or at least, it’s a very good idea to be aware of the way our behavior, both physical, verbal, and intimate, affects our children, and their understanding of what are normal displays of affection, physical closeness, romantic gesturing, care, and love, towards a person with whom one is in a relationship.
Parents are role models
The effect of our early relationship experiences on those we go on to develop and maintain in later life, is fairly well researched and documented. From birth, the bonds we establish and feel with our mothers in particular, but also father, and siblings, can have a profound impact on a vast range of emotions and relationships we have as we get older.
Issues of security, trust, separation anxiety, confidence, honesty, need for intimacy, need for space, awkwardness at public displays of affection, desire for physical closeness at all times and so on, all affect our relationships enormously. And one of the biggest influences on ALL of these, is how our parents behave not only towards us as children, but how they behave towards each other.
Couples whose parents had very different ‘levels’ of physical intimacy or closeness around the home, can find it very hard to find a way of being together that works for them both. Those whose parents were very touchy-feely, kissed a lot, and who were very expressive and relaxed around each other physically at home, can want or expect similar in their own adult relationships.
But if someone had parents who never kissed in front of them, or even held hands, it can seem very strange to do this kind of thing in front of their own children.
And so it goes on, passed from one generation to another. Everything we do – and don’t do – our children observe, pick up on, and, on some level, are influenced by. They won’t know it at the time, and it can take many years for their relationship Basics to make themselves known. But they will, at some point. And the way their parents – that’s you and your partner – behaved towards each other, spoke about each other, and cared for each other, will have a huge impact on it.
Part of life education
None of this is to say that there is a ‘correct’ way to behave in front of our children, where it comes to love, romance and intimacy. (Though, to be quite honest, there are certain things which should definitely remain very firmly – so to speak… – in the parents’ bedroom!)
It’s for every couple to decide how lovey-dovey they are, and how they want to be at home.
Children will probably hate us for whatever we do, so it’s pretty important that we make sure we are happy. That said, diving head-long into a massive snog when your child’s mates are round for tea never goes down very well! Being a tad sensitive about these things is a very smart idea.
But certainly in terms of showing our children the kindness, care, love, and romance that every relationship needs in order to not just survive but thrive, is an essential part of how we educate our children in Life.
They might not emulate any of what they see in their own lives. They might decide to do everything differently. Or they might see our behavior as the template they build their own around. Whichever way it ends up, and for the sake of our relationships themselves, I’d say it might be a good idea to give Saint Valentine a little nod more than once a year.
Flowers tend to be much cheaper at all other times of the year anyway, so, frankly, it’s win-win.