There are many untruths told about parenting. ‘Breastfeeding makes the weight drop off!’ Nope. ‘When they go to school you will get your life back.’ Try again…
But perhaps the tallest tale of all is that children cement a relationship. They do in many ways, of course. But for the most part of day-to-day life they are more pneumatic drill, than cement mixer. More nuclear bomb than glue.
Ask any new parent – or old parent, for that matter – what the biggest change in their relationship is since having children, and they will say one of two things; either ‘Can’t talk. Need SLEEP!’ or ‘I never spend any time with my partner any more.’
It happens to more people than it should. It happened to me for a while. (I found myself under a pile of laundry, eventually, and gave myself a good airing.) And it might happen to you… unless you build some child-free time into your life. Not every day. Not even every week, necessarily. But every month is a very good plan.
But really… how was anyone expecting a screaming, vomiting creature that sleeps two hours a night and needs feeding more frequently than a Heavyweight champion EVER going to make a relationship better?
How is not sleeping for ten months going to make you feel like going out of the house when there is a soft, snuggly sofa to curl up on and…uh oh, zzzzzz?
And how, when one is now spending two thirds of one’s annual income on huge, buzzing, flashing plastic toys over which to break one’s neck in the middle of the night, can one actually AFFORD to go out??
The answer, of course, is to find ways to MAKE IT HAPPEN.
Because the biggest killer in any relationship, whether romantic or among family and friends, is not spending enough time together in a relaxed, sociable way. When parenting becomes a business, and the two of you exist only as cohabiting babysitters and housekeepers, you are walking in a direct line towards…sorry, who are you again?
And almost more worrying than wondering who your partner is, is wondering who YOU are or where the ‘You’ who existed before you had children, has gone.
Find ways to go out for that one drink; that one film; that dinner à deux, and be the old, child-free, easy-going ‘You’ again. Drink a cup of coffee without having it spilled into your lap within thirty seconds. Walk through the glasses department of John Lewis. Just because you CAN.
Use babysitters or shared babysitting swaps with friends, ask grandparents, find a local community of parents online or hire a part-time child-carer to do the occasional evening or weekend stint at the nanny and highchair helm.
This seemingly unimportant, minor thing could actually be the most important factor in keeping your relationship, both with your partner and with friends and yourself alive.
Go on. Go out! You’ll be glad you did.
Sometimes It Can Be All About Me, Me, Me… and Hubby.
But perhaps the tallest tale told about parenting is that children cement a relationship. They do in many ways, of course. But for the most part of day-to-day life they are more pneumatic drill, than cement mixer. More nuclear bomb than glue.
