Sibling rivalry can start from the day your new baby arrives home from the hospital. Older siblings can start making comments that may take you aback, such as “Why do we have to keep the baby” or “Why don’t you love me as much as you love her!”
But don’t panic — you’re not alone! Lots of families imagine their children will get along as they grow older, with the occasional tiff here and there. And when this isn’t the case, and siblings are keen to “send the baby back”, many parents feel disheartened and worried about their family dynamics.
Children can feel a mix of emotions when a new baby arrives in the family home – whether that’s jealousy or a need to compete for one-on-one time, affection and attention from both Mummy and Daddy. With relatives visiting to welcome your new little, your child might feel put out by Nan and Grandad fussing over the new baby too.
Temper tantrums, paddies and regressive behaviour are all normal signs that your child feels a sense of rivalry with their new sibling. Maybe they start crying and shouting when you show attention to their brother or sister, or perhaps they run to their room and slam the door – and shut themselves off even more.
Experts say that it’s not just toddlers who get territorial when the baby comes. Older children can also get extremely jealous.
When a new baby enters the family picture an older sibling may see it as a kind of power struggle. They may start thinking: “Am I being replaced?” When of course, you know they aren’t. However, forcing your child to love their new sibling may not be the best approach. It’s important to recognise and understand the feelings of the older sibling, whilst making sure you respect their emotions.
Many parents may not let their child express their feelings about the new baby, especially if they are negative. By letting your child say how they feel you, as their parents, can reply to them by saying: “It sounds like you are finding it tough to share Mummy and Daddy. You must be feeling a bit down about it. Are you finding it difficult?” Like adults, children need a platform to communicate their feelings, especially when those feelings are about an unfamiliar situation. Let your child vent their frustration, but offer constructive ways of showing that you love them just as much as their new brother or sister. Don’t forget to say it too – that you want to spend just as much time with them, and that you think they will grow to love the new baby as well.
After you’ve let your child express their feelings, be sure to act upon combatting this new sibling rivalry. Here are a few tips:
- Have Some One-On-One Time Block out some time for your eldest child to spend with both you and your partner. This could be anything from taking the dog for a walk, reading a bedtime story together or going to watch a new film at the cinema. If your child plays a sport, spend some time practicing their backhand or kick-ups together.
- Be Positive When you see examples of good behaviour, make a point of it and say well done. For example, if your eldest child picks up your baby’s dummy try saying “That’s brilliant – thank you for being so helpful! Look, your little sister is really happy now.”
- Let Them Have Their Space It’s important that you respect each child’s boundaries and their possessions. Not everything has to be shared between them, so let them know that some books and toys can be just for them. Maybe find a special toy box which you can decorate together and make just for their favourite toys.
- Keep Their Routine We all know having a new baby brings lots routine changes. But do all you can to try and keep your child’s routine the same. This will be a point of consistency and familiarity for them amongst lots of changes.
