Recently, I had to send my nanny to my daughter’s check-up. I had a last-minute business meeting and I couldn’t make the appointment. My husband couldn’t go either. But Dads seem to get off the hook for missing these things (but that’s a blog for another time!). Anyway, since changing a GP’s appointment is harder than trying to change your privacy settings on Facebook, I kept the appointment and sent our very qualified nanny in my place.
This was on the heels of missing her pre-school singing performance (as well as her brother’s). And sending our nanny instead.
Yes, I felt awful about missing these events. The concerts were at 10 and 11 a.m and I had a work event that morning. But I also felt incredibly relieved. I have a back-up “Mummy” who can step in for me when I just. can’t. be. there. She’s my nanny.
This is when my Working Mum-Guilt kicks in to its highest gear. I work. Regardless of why, the situation is not going to change. I just wish that our schools and pre-schools would stop assuming one parent is home with their kids. Namely, Mum.
But do you know what? Mum can’t do it all. The Working Mums. The Stay-at-Home Mums. None of us. So if we need to outsource it to a grandma, nanny or even swap shifts with another parent… so be it. Does it make us bad Mums? No, it makes us resourceful.
But it doesn’t remove the guilt.
And it doesn’t make the schools change how and when they timetable these events.
Should schools (as well as other parents) get angry about this? After all, we’ve all eavesdropped at the school gate the PTA members saying “[These] Parents can’t be bothered two days a year for an hour?!”
The truth is, we can’t. We could lose our jobs. Another truth? It’s never an hour. Factor in commute time (both ways) and the time it takes for the event to start (never on time) and the follow-up conversations as you’re trying to walk out the door. No, never 1 hour. And definitely not only 2 days a year if you have more than one child.
The problem is the same throughout the UK: Schools still assume one parent is home during the day, but dual income families now make up a growing part of the UK work force (unsurprisingly so, as we all dig our way out of a recession). And most people can’t leave work to attend a cake sale or be on a committee. So the stay at home parents shoulder the responsibility. They run the committees and host the events. And that’s not fair either. In fact, it might just be fuelling the debate that often rages on line or at the school gate between the stay at home mummies and the working ones.
Sending a nanny in your place is convenient for me, but it’s also meaningful to my children. During my son’s pre-school concert, he looked up and saw his nanny filming him (for me to see later), and ran over to give her a hug. Mid performance. These nannies are part of our families. I’m lucky I have someone who loves my kids – and who my kids love — and can be my clone at times.
And it only gets worse after pre-school. In fact the school in my neighbourhood has half-days for two terms of Reception. It’s ridiculous. How is this supposed to work in a dual income household?
Schools and pre-schools, can you help us out here? Hold concerts on weeknights or weekends so both parents can attend. Lessen the half-days during the year. Assume both parents are working. Assume that they can’t drop their work obligations – to run back and forth to the school. But also assume that we want to be there. We would be those beaming, applauding audience members and helping hands if your events could be shoe-horned into our week. We would take pride in being able to do this for our children. But right now, earning an income that helps put a roof over their heads takes priority.
Tell me, do you ever manage to make the school events – or have you ever sent a nanny in your place?
