If your youngest or only child is about to start primary school or infant school, you are probably experiencing some pretty powerful emotions. If that’s the case, you are far from alone.
A survey by Netmums of 2,000 parents found that mums were 5 times more likely to cry than their child when they take their first tentative steps into Reception. But they have a word of warning: “Try and hold your tears back until your child is in the classroom. You don’t want to set her off as well!”
You will probably experience a mix of emotions, including pride in your growing offspring and a bittersweet sadness at their increasing independence. If you are a stay-at-home parent or part-timer, going home to an empty house will feel strange at first, and it may take a while for everyone to adjust to the new routine.
These feelings can be overwhelming, and some people find it difficult to cope. In fact, some have even coined a term for this challenging phenomenon: “primary school empty nest syndrome”. While it’s not the traditional empty nest syndrome associated with adult children leaving the family home, it does bring a significant emotional transition.
Read on to learn more about how to deal with empty nest syndrome, including what it feels like, how to cope with those feelings and how to keep the bond strong between yourself and your child as you navigate this brand-new chapter.
What is primary school empty nest syndrome?
While primary school empty nest syndrome isn’t an official psychological term, it describes the feelings of grief that many parents experience when their last child enters primary school.
Psychologist Leah Henzen, quoted in the Evening Standard, sums up this feeling as “a very real grief reaction” and a dry run for when your children actually fly the nest for good. When your youngest child starts school it can come as a huge shock – like the end of an era that had previously seemed never-ending. Their reliance on you is waning, and that can be a bitter pill to swallow.
One of the hallmarks of primary school empty nest syndrome is that it usually involves a blend of contradicting emotions, including:
- Grief, because this transition closes the door on the baby, toddler and preschool years.
- Excitement and joy to see what adventures await your child.
- Hopefulness about having more time for hobbies, activities or friendships.
- Worry about how your child is faring without you.
- Wonder at watching your child become more independent.
- Sadness because you miss your child or feel their growth and maturity as a loss.
Why do parents experience primary school empty nest syndrome?
Your youngest child going to school for the first time represents an important transition for them, yourself and your entire family. It’s a profound moment, and mental health professionals agree that it’s important to acknowledge this in some way.
We often focus primarily on what this transition means for our little ones, who may themselves be nervous about starting school. We make a big deal of making them feel good about the change — taking pictures, buying them a smart new uniform and choosing shiny black shoes for their first day of school — but it’s important to turn inwards and look at how it’s affecting us too. When the youngest child starts school, parents often experience a profound emotional shift. Acknowledging and processing these mixed emotions is crucial.
In amongst dealing with all the practicalities of getting ready for school, it’s a time when parents can reassess their roles and identities. Experts recommend that parents embrace this transition as a chance to grow personally, professionally and in their relationships with others by:
- Rediscovering personal interests and hobbies.
- Practising self-care.
- Strengthening relationships with their spouse or partner.
- Pursuing new professional goals.
Tips for coping with primary school empty nest emotions
Sometimes parents are taken aback by how strong their feelings are when their last child starts school. If you find yourself crying more often or feeling down or anxious during the first few weeks of the transition, go easy on yourself. These feelings are to be expected, but that doesn’t mean you don’t need help, support or ideas for coping. Here are some suggestions:
1. Acknowledge the grief, but don’t pathologise it
Feelings like melancholy and disorientation are natural reactions to life transitions — even positive ones. Express those emotions as you need to — which might include tears — and resist the urge to judge yourself.
2. Identify your anxiety and “talk back” to it
It’s common to have irrational and anxiety-filled thoughts, and positive self-talk can be helpful for dealing with parent anxiety about starting school.
3. Create a sustainable self-care routine
You’ll probably have a bit more free time now that your child is at school, or at least more headspace to put yourself first more often. Mummy burn-out is definitely a thing, and self-care for parents is very important. Try re-investing in health and wellness practices you let slide when your child was younger. This could include:
- Exercising.
- Healthy meal preparation.
- Reading.
- New hobbies.
- Pursuing passion projects.
4. Develop new sources of community
We all need connection and belonging, and now is the time to nurture that need. You might take a class, reconnect with friends or volunteer.
5. Seek support
Local therapists may offer counselling for parents to help you process your feelings and create personalised strategies to feel better. Keep in mind that if you continue to struggle or are experiencing serious feelings of depression and anxiety, help is out there for you. Please reach out to a mental health professional for support.
Ways to keep a strong bond with your school starter
During this transition, some parents fear that their bond with their child will lessen as their child becomes more independent. Thankfully, that doesn’t usually happen. Not only that, but there are simple things you can do to keep your bond strong. Here are a few suggestions:
- Create daily rituals together, such as a special morning routine or bedtime story that serves to reinforce your connection.
- Prioritise quality one-to-one time by engaging in activities your child enjoys.
- Practise actively listening to their daily experiences.
- Show enthusiasm for their school-related activities and achievements.
- Offer a judgment-free zone for them to share new experiences and feelings.
- Attend as many school events as your schedule allows, so that you can be part of their school life.
The bottom line
Probably the most important thing to remember about the transition from nursery to Reception is that however challenging it may be, the difficult feelings will pass. Both you and your brand-new schoolkid will get into a new routine as you navigate the various stages of empty nest syndrome. For many people, this transition will be a tear-filled one, but that is just part of the parenting ride. Stay calm, and you’ll soon start to feel excitement for the next stage of the journey you and your child are on together.
