With child number two on the way, Kate Middleton will be relying on a combination of housekeeper and family to look after the mini-Cambridges when she is out on royal duties.
Whilst we’d all love to have our mum or another close female relative on tap for babysitting duties, and a friendly housekeeper rustling up baby friendly meals, what potential challenges might this pose for an informal family carer?
Nappy changing duties
Given that there are only 4 people in the United Kingdom who will not be obliged to bend their knee to the new mini-Cambridge, we suggest that those people are put on nappy duty to avoid awkward situations with the royal wee.
1. The Queen aka Tried and Tested, No-Nonsense Great-Grandma
Having regaled Kate with stories about how she and little sister Margaret were left outdoors all day at Balmoral in sub zero temperatures to sleep in their cots AND IT NEVER DID THEM ANY HARM, the nation’s favourite Monarch is likely to take a traditional approach to bowel movements and request terry nappies to be boil-cleaned, air dried and ironed before she lays a hand on them. Whoever has to pick after this nappy-changer will have their hands full.
2. Prince Charles aka Swampy-Gramp
HRH will come equipped with his own mini-composting pot, biodegradable natural nappies manufactured in a shed in Highgrove by organic Wiltshire housewives, as well as his very own butler to apply the lavender-extract organic Royale botty cream, mixed with camomile from his own Duchy supply. If he even spots a disposable nappy, he’ll chain himself to the changing station until both Cambridges sign up to his petition to outlaw disposable nappies and make being spotted with a change bag full of disposable wipes an act of treason.
3. Prince William aka Flexible Working
As the father to number 4 in line to the throne, Wills may have to prove his New Man credentials here. Whilst paying lip service to Grandma’s terry nappies and to Dad’s composting unit, Wills is likely to take the flexible approach, nipping out to the local Kensington High St convenience store in the dead of night (and parents, who hasn’t been there?) to stock up on some disposable nappies and those perfumed plastic bags they get disposed in (which by the way are great poop bags for little Lupo the Spaniel).
Breastfeeding or bottle?
Well frankly, this gig has to be Harry’s. As the eligible bachelor of the family, Harry will relish any chance to be seen with a slightly crotchety baby waiting for its feed, only to whip out his military camouflaged warmer and bottle, and soothe the new heir into a state of gurgling contentment within moments. By the time Nirvana for little one has been achieved, Harry will then have time to dazzle all the Kensington and Chelsea babes that will have flocked to his side. Like trained gun dogs, these young London beauties will have tracked their prey by picking up a mix of baby and Harry pheromones and testosterone, all the way from KP to the King’s Road. You didn’t think he was going to get stuck indoors at soft play with babysitting duties did you?
Getting up in the night
Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie will come in very handy here. Not only are they regularly spotted out and about after the hours of midnight, so it shouldn’t be too big a change to their schedule, but these younger family members frankly can’t need their sleep as much as a frazzled new Mum. They will be allotted the graveyard slot, aka 1.00 to 3.00 a.m., which they can cover on their way back from the local hotspots and combine with a nightcap at the Cambridge’s.
Birthday party duties
This is where the Middleton’s really get to show their mettle. Not only does Carole have business flair and proven success in the field, sister Pippa fancies herself as a party planner while brother James is busy making cakes, continuing the family tradition of making a hobby into a business. I suggest that the Middleton’s have a very strict sharing out of the duties here, as we all know how these little misunderstandings can turn into generations-long feuds over the ham and pineapple sticks. Mum Carole gets to organise the big number 1 party, with James on catering duties, while Pippa gets to organise the after party, where the tiny tots are allowed to let their hair down and get out of those onesies for some nappy free tummy time. It might get messy!
Tell me, do you have any suggestions for informal family carers for the Cambridge’s? How would Prince Phillip, or Zara Phillips and Mike Tyndall, choose to entertain the little one for the day?
