Have you ever witnessed a toddler stepping up onto a stool to reach something? Or maybe watched them put crayons back into the box? Well, whether you realised it or not, these clever cognitive milestones are just a few of a child’s very first lessons in goal setting. Experts believe that even very small children understand the concept of goals and aims innately, as a result of our primal survival instincts. However, ambition and goal setting skills can also be cultivated, and they’re a good way of helping kids improve their confidence and overall happiness.
Here are some of the basics of goal setting for kids just in time to head back to school, and how parents can support them every step of the way, from toddlerhood to the teenage years.
When to start talking about goal setting with kids
Goal setting involves deciding on something you want and working out how to get there. It involves aspects of problem-solving skills. Children as young as 30 months can master simple problem-solving skills, according to the American Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). However, experts also say that they aren’t able to understand the concept of a concrete goal until age four or five. This is the ideal age to introduce the idea of goal setting to kids with small, achievable objectives appropriate to their individual interests. This might be learning how to catch a ball, or how to put on a shirt in the morning. Gently drawing their attention to the process of goal setting is helpful at this stage.
How to help kids set goals at every age
At any age, goal setting for kids has less to do with reaching success and more to do with what they can learn from working hard to achieve something that matters to them. Consider this your age-by-age guide to supporting kids with goal setting and improving their problem-solving skills along the way.
Goal setting in primary school (or from ages 5 to 10)
Teach children to generate their own goals
The first step in teaching goal setting to kids ages 5-10 is to help them identify something that they would like to work towards by asking questions about things they’d like to learn, do and improve. As long as the goal is safe and important to your child, there is no such thing as a wrong answer. Flexibility is key: your child’s interests and preoccupations will shift and develop as they grow, and it’s useful if you can adapt to their needs and desires now, no matter how childish they are.
Set a SMART short-term goal together
Very young children respond best to immediate-term goal setting as their concept of time and impulse control are not yet fully developed. Parents can introduce the idea of SMART Goals to kids this age, which stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Results-focused, and Time-bound — while keeping their explanations and the words they use simple and the timeframes for success limited to the next few days.
Break down goals into simple steps
At this age and stage of life, breaking down goals into smaller, achievable tasks is key. Parents can help come up with a plan and schedule to follow each step and be there for their child to offer emotional support and moments of reflection along the way.
Avoid external motivating factors
Rather than relying on a carrot-and-stick approach to goal setting, it’s helpful to instil a love of hard work for hard work’s sake in your child. Fear of losing approval or missing out on rewards can spark negative feelings rather than spurring a child to do their best.
The key here is choosing a goal that a child is both motivated to accomplish and that will provide its own reward. Goals such as making new friends at school or joining a football team are a reward in themselves and don’t require incentives from parents along the way.
How to set goals from ages 10-14
Help kids pay attention to their unique talents
Start a conversation about goal setting by asking kids this age what they are naturally drawn to and what they may be better at than most people. Minimising their talents or following others’ example can blind kids to their own unique abilities and dreams they want to pursue.
Helping kids identify and pay attention to what they do really well is essential to choosing a goal that is best suited for them. If kids are involved in decision-making about the goals they set, they will take responsibility for making them happen and working out what to do if they lose their way. Parents can help by paying attention to their child’s interests and offering guidance during this process.
Give them ownership of the planning process
Parents should let children in this age group draw on their own life experience and take the lead on goal setting. Help, support, curiosity and questions from parents can be welcome at tricky spots, but it’s important to help your kids cultivate independence overall.
Encourage social goals, not just academic ones
As kids transition to secondary school, academic requirements get stricter. But at the same time, kids are beginning to view themselves in relation to others. A mixture of academic and social goals can benefit them as they enter this crucial age and stage of life. Parents may wish to focus on these extra-curricular aspects of their child’s development to help them grow into a holistically happy, well-rounded person.
Don’t rush in with the answers
Parents should fully expect a few missteps to occur when kids are working towards difficult goals. But as tough as it may be, parents should resist offering up solutions if they hit a wall. Planning, organisation and problem solving — the valuable executive functioning skills — are only developed through struggling independently with a problem. Giving kids the answer can stymie their progress. Instead, it’s worth watching and learning from how your child deals with an issue and discussing their approach with them afterwards to see what they’ve gained from the experience. These conversations can help highlight the lessons they learned that will help them reach another goal in the future.
Goal setting from ages 14 to 18
Play a supporting role, not the main role
As they enter their later teenage years, kids truly begin to express their independence and individuality. Supporting them as they do so is a great way to help them spread their wings safely before they take the first steps of their adult lives. Parents should ensure that they aren’t investing more than their child in achieving a particular goal as this prevents teens from taking ownership over their successes at this key age and stage.
Leave the tough decisions to your teenager
Whether it’s getting stronger, joining a band or playing for a football team, the hardest goal-setting work teens do is deciding on the trade-offs needed to accomplish something. Weighing up the costs and benefits of achieving a goal is an important task that helps children cultivate their decision-making and goal-setting skills.
Prompt your teen to visualise potential obstacles
One way in which parents can support teens without taking ownership of the goal setting process is to ask them to visualise a situation that could pop up along the way to achieving their goal, then imagine how they would handle it. Practising and preparing for feared worst-case scenarios and unexpected occurrences helps them ready themselves mentally and gives them a sense of control, making issues easier to deal with when they crop up.
Don’t shy away from failures
Failure is a foundational aspect of growing and developing and learning to cope with it helps children adopt lifelong resilience and confidence as they deal with life’s inevitable setbacks. Stepping in to protect them from failure can cushion them from these for too long, leaving them feeling unprepared at crucial moments.
Helpful resources to help kids with goal setting
Here’s a short selection of books that might be helpful for any adult working with kids on goal setting:
Goal-setting books for parents
- “Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting From Birth to Six Years” by Jim Fay and Charles Fay PhD
- “The Blessing Of A Skinned Knee: Raising Self-Reliant Children” by Wendy Mogel PhD
- “The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed” by Jessica Lahey
Goal-setting books for kids
- “The 7 Habits of Happy Kids” by Sean Covey
- “Whistle for Willie” by Ezra Jack Keats
- Ruby’s Wish by Shirin Yim Bridges
Goal-setting kits and tools
Big Life Journal has created printable Goal Setting Kits which can be great for kids at the start of a new year. Parents may want to use calendars, journals or vision boards for setting and achieving goals. Visual aids and trackers are a great way of tangibly measuring progress.
The bottom line on teaching kids how to set goals
Ultimately, it’s best to be concerned less with whether kids are successful in meeting their goals and more about how they approach them. Our capacity for problem-solving and motivation grows as we reflect on what we want and work out how to get it — and our goals and problems will only become more ambitious and complex as we develop. As a result, goal setting for kids is one of the most important instruments in our development toolkit.