Favouritism in the Family

 
There are some hard truths about parenting that we all struggle with from time to time. A new issue that crops up the moment you have more than one child, is that you now have the frightening possibility of…having a favourite child. When this option first becomes apparent to you, you wonder how you could have not thought about it. And then you immediately swear it won’t happen to you.
 
 
 
No. Never. You will like them EQUALLY. ALL THE TIME. Of course!
 
And then, for reasons you will never fathom or find any justification for, one of your children suddenly turns into a massive pain in the neck, stops sleeping, starts throwing hard objects at your head without warning and screams, a lot. Harsh, when you are the one who should be screaming, having had a Lego car embedded in your skull.
 
This is usually around the time that your other child, or children, becomes angelic.
 
And, before you’ve have time to say ‘OH WHY CAN’T YOU BE AS NICE AS YOUR SISTER??’ you have fallen into the favouritisim trap.
 
First thing to know about favouritism is that to some degree it is completely normal. At any one time you will almost certainly enjoy the company of one of your children more than the other. Much like friendships and family members, this preference will chop and change, depending on who is being most annoying at any stage.
 
The thing to do is not panic, not feel guilty, and not mention anything to your children. It’s one thing to like one of them more than another for a while – it’s quite another to say so. Total, out-and-out, blatant favouritism is not okay, however. I know adults who still harbor huge scars from childhood favouritism, and it honestly does them no good at all.
 
Usually, the best solution when you are having real trouble getting on with one of your children is to spend time with that child, alone, just you and them. What you learn from this time alone, is that there are often jealousies, insecurities, underlying issues and worries that are not being talked about in the chaos of everyday life. It can take just an hour or two on your own, one-on-one time, to let your child open up about what’s on their mind. It takes time, patience, and a very open, non-judgmental mind. And it’s so worth taking the time to do this.
 
Getting this time is of course not always easy in many families, but if you can get some outside help from a friend or relative, or get a babysitter to come and free up an evening, afternoon or a weekend for you to take the child you’re finding especially difficult at the moment, out for some nice calm, fun time together, it is well worth it.