There’s often a discussion within families as to whether times are easier or harder now, than Way Back When. It’s a fairly unhelpful discussion in general, as a) everyone likes to think they had it harder than anyone who has ever lived (Oh, you think YOU’RE having a tough time, with astronomical rent, no job security and broken wifi?? We had no heat, water or food when you were born. We lived in a box, and fed you on cold misery’) and b) it’s fairly obvious that in every generation some things are more difficult, and some are easier.
Economic difficulties, illnesses, job problems, social expectations, unpredictable ups and downs – all of our family lives are difficult at times.
One change, which has heralded a rise in the stresses felt by many modern families, is the set-up of their family’s geography. Where once people tended to stay fairly close to home, or even remain in the same village or street for generations, these days it’s very common for families to be spread across four Continents.
Jobs can, and often do, post us anywhere in the world, and we are more likely to marry someone from another country now than ever before, resulting in a decision being made as to whose Country we eventually settle in. The result is that we have spread out across the globe… and that means that mum and dad – and Aunts, cousins, grandparents – are no longer anywhere on hand to help us out when we need it. Or for us to help them…
When our children are very young, this can be really tough on a lot of new parents. I really noticed a difference between those of my friends who had parents or other family nearby and those who didn’t, in terms of the amount of help they had looking after their children, and just family stresses in general.
Anything from emergency babysitting to coming round to fix a broken fence, to just having a cuddle and a cry, was immeasurably easier for my friends who lived near their family.
My parents live 100 miles away. My husband’s about 1000 miles away. When our three children were all under 5, we had no free childcare on tap, no help with cooking or shopping, no family practical support, to lean on. Ever.
It was fine, and we never knew any different so we just got on with it. But there were definitely moments when I was insanely envious of friends whose mums seemed to be able to babysit at the drop of a hat, or would pop round with a huge lasagna and then do all the washing up for them!
That said I’d probably have killed my mother if she’d lived next door and interfered with my life too much, so perhaps a bit of distance is a healthy thing…!
Having family nearby is certainly a double-edged sword. Overall I don’t think one can underestimate the value, in health and emotional terms, of living near one’s close family.
But it’s just the reality of modern family life that most of us live far away from ‘home’, and we’re just having to make adjustments to fill the gaps what family would normally fill – childcare, a dog walker, domiciliary care to check in on elderly relatives, and so on. It might feel indulgent, or like some kind of admission of failure, but it’s not – it’s what family would normally have done for each other – we just often need to get that from elsewhere now.
And that’s absolutely OK – even sensible.
Family Geography
Family Geography - Liz Fraser, Modern Family Expert for Care.com, looks at what it means for parents with families close and families far away.
