Growing up is a process that is influenced by all those around us. And that includes our brothers and sisters. Children often spend a lot of time with their siblings, perhaps even as much time as they spend with their parents. So it’s important to support and strengthen the bond that brothers and sisters have with each other. But the sibling relationship may have several differences if one sibling has special needs.
Parents, and special needs care providers, can help to foster the life-long bond that special needs siblings have with these 9 tips.
1. Be Informative
If children don’t understand a disability, they may make things up, which can lead to confusion and misinformation. Give them accurate information that is suitable for their age and comprehension, and remember that as they grow older their need for information will also change.
2. Being Fair, Doesn’t Always Mean Being Equal
Try to help siblings understand that parents and cares always try to be fair, but it may not always be equal. Most children can accept this if their own needs are still met, and if they have a sense that their parents have a meaningful and caring relationship with them too. Try saying something like “I’ve had to go to the doctor’s a lot with your sister this week. I would like to spend some more time with you – how about we go for a pizza on Friday?”
3. Keep Communication Open
Talking to children about sensitive and emotional issues is rarely easy.
Keep the line of communication open, so they know they can always come and talk to you. Try having a set time that you, as a family, can have an open discussion. For example, structure conversations during dinner by asking questions like: “What is one kind thing you did for someone today or that someone did for you?”
4. Encourage Other Ways of Expression
Talking may not always be what a child needs. Equip your children with alternative coping mechanisms, such as writing in a diary, practising their football or listening to music. They need an outlet too for any stress they may be feeling, and having their own space and special activities will support their healthy development.
5. Support Sibling Bonds
Parents can cultivate positive sibling relationships, regardless of whether or not a child has special needs. Work towards making brother and sisters a team, which will provide support for them now and in the future. Whilst they are young this may be playing football together and later, as adults, it will be coaching each other for job interviews.
Disabilities or not, sibling rivalry and arguments will always happen. But encourage your children to express whatever emotions they are feeling, focus on what they have in common and enjoy the positive aspects of their relationship.
6. Take Note Of Their Responsibilities
Some care giving and responsibility can be positive for children. Acknowledge their kindness with responses like: “that’s really helpful when you give your brother a hand with his homework. Thank you. Now I need to put him in the bath and you can go to play.”
Set limits to a sibling’s responsibilities to ensure they know that they are not another parent, but a sibling who can play alongside their brother or sister.
7. Be Responsive
All children challenge their siblings at one point or another, but those behaviours can feel magnified when that brother or sister has a disability.
Help children deal with difficult moments by telling them it’s okay to feel embarrassed, protective or angry. Awkward or difficult situations happen to everyone, so talk about it.
8. Encourage Friendships
A child with a special needs sibling may believe that no one can understand what he or she is going through and feel isolated. Talking to parents, doctors and other grownups can only do so much; kids need other kids they can relate to. So engage with families in similar situations.
9. Talk About the Future
Will my sister get better or worse? What will happen when my parents die? Who will manage her medical needs? Siblings of special needs children will always have questions.
Don’t tell them not to worry because children do worry. You don’t have to go into great detail with young children, but they need to know that there are plans in place. Then, as a child becomes older, parents can involve them in those discussions.
Growing up with a special needs sibling can be difficult at times, but importantly it can teach patience and bring a positive perspective on life. Often siblings will feel a wonderful bond with each other and it can be a relationship that is empowering for them both.