Two of the biggest questions about childcare that I struggled with, just as every parent does, are these:
1. What is the point of paying someone else to look after my children, when I could be looking after them myself?
2. What’s the point of going to work to earn money, only to give it to someone else, to look after MY children??
These are, effectively the same question.
Other related questions that fly around our worried maternal heads include…
1. Am I a bad mother?
2. Is it wrong to hand my children over to someone I barely know?
3. Is it even worse to admit that I like being without my children sometimes, because I can drink a cup of coffee without a small child hanging off my ankles?
I wrestled with all of this for quite a long time. At least once a day.
Why work in order to pay someone to do what I was supposed to be doing – (being a mother)?
Jenny Éclair recently wrote an article about her experience of having full time childcare for her daughter, now twenty six. She said she felt it had left her ‘a decade behind’ in her development as a parent, “because I basically didn’t do it until she was about twelve. And when I took over, I became a terribly hysterical, neurotic mother. Because I basically came in too late, I over-protected and smothered.”
But, strange as it might seem to let someone else look after, care for, and even, if it’s longer term, ‘parent’ our children for us, there are lots of benefits to be gained from childcare – not only for you, but also for your children.
Do you love your work too…
For a start, there is your work. Everyone is different, but working is something I absolutely love, and without any paid work I lose a very important part of myself. I feel a lack of independence, I get depressed, I am unsatisfied mentally, and I’m generally pretty miserable – making me a worse mother.
Having just a couple of mornings of childcare a week allowed me to think about something other than nappies and fish fingers, and meant I came back happy, fulfilled, and excited about seeing my children.
Full time was never an option for me. I wanted to spend a lot of time with my children before they started school, teaching them everything I could. But even part time was enough to give me the balance I felt I really needed, and helped me to be a better parent.
Holding on to a social life…
Also, having some childcare while my children played with their friends, allowed me to snatch short moments of time with my friends!
Losing friends is a real hazard of parenting, and staying in touch with the people you hung out with before you had kids is really important if you’re not to lose yourself into motherhood completely.
And the kids benefit as well…
And for the children themselves, childcare can be fantastic – they can meet other kids, make friends, learn from someone else who can give them a different set of games, perspectives on life, and….well, have a break from you.
Believe it or not, wonderful though you are, maybe 24/7 for 365 days a year can be just little bit too much!
Just getting a bit of time away from each other means that the time you do spend together can be much better and more enjoyable for you both.
Ironically, spending time apart can make your relationship better and closer, not more distant and detached.
Childcare doesn’t mean ‘replacement parenting’. It doesn’t mean you don’t care, are selfish or unloving, or a bad parent.
It just means that you’re finding a way to balance all the parts of you; you the mother, you the woman, you the friend, you the worker, you the daughter, you the lover, you the sister, and so on.
All of that makes you who you are. We can’t be everything, all of the time. Getting a little help, certainly makes it a lot easier and better for the whole family.
