There are hundreds of books out there which aim to prepare you for life after having a baby. Many of them talk about how having children can bring all sorts of new stresses to your relationship. In many cases, it’s true: your priorities begin to shift from you and your partner to your baby, and before you know it’s even happening, there is tension and distance in the relationship that wasn’t there before.
This change of dynamic in a relationship is normal and is absolutely to be expected. However it doesn’t need to stay this way! You can keep your relationship strong after children.
Here are our top tips for getting you and your partner back on track after the whirlwind of change your new baby has brought.
1. Sweat the Small Stuff
Grand romantic gestures, like whisking your loved one away for the weekend or nabbing a table for two at the latest hot spot, were great in your dating days but not as feasible post-children. Luckily, it’s the little things that make a big difference in a marriage. For instance, taking the time to make your partner a cup of tea in the morning makes them feel loved and appreciated.
Not sure what to do? Create a ‘care list,’ outlining what your spouse already does that makes you feel cared for. You might find tasks (like washing the car and paying the bills on time) are the new forms of flirtation. If you’re struggling to think of these free tasks, create a list of all the house chores and ask to re-assign them. The goal is to appreciate the small ways you both take care of your family.
2. Go Beyond Date Night
Research shows that trying something new or engaging in new experiences together, makes you feel more connected. Instead of going out to dinner, enrol in a course together or take up skiing. When you do spend time together, try and make it a child-free time — complete with talking about things besides your child’s next football tournament or homework problems. Yes, you might need to find a babysitter to make this happen, but a few hours learning and laughing together can make the hourly fee worth every penny.
Make sure you’re having fun with your spouse. If it’s too hard to completely disconnect from the children, set a specific amount of time – around 10 minutes – to get all the talk out of the way and then move on to other topics. You need to see your spouse as someone other than just a parent all the time.
For more ideas about dates to reconnect with your partner, take a look at our 101 Cheap Dates.
3. Take a Tech Break
Many couples will communicate with one another by text even when they’re only rooms apart in the same house. It only becomes problematic when the technology cuts into quality time. Too many couples go out for date night and spend the entire evening on their phones, checking in with work or updating their Facebook status. When you’re having dinner or are out as a family, it should be a technology-free time. Not only will it bring you closer, but you’re modelling great behaviour for your children, showing them that time together is more important than what is on your phone.
4. Fight fair
Every couple fights — even happy ones. It’s how you fight that’s important. It’s important to maintain a sense of humour even when arguing, and never say anything that’s personally derogatory to your partner. This is especially important if you’re arguing in front of your children. It’s fine to disagree, but you want to make sure you’re not too confrontational or negative. If you’re talking about something difficult, try taking your spouse’s hand, or make sure to maintain eye contact. Touching or laughing during a fight helps keep things from escalating.
5. Keep the Bedroom Baby-Free
It’s a sad truth: Nothing kills a healthy sex life more than having children, when suddenly sleep becomes the more important priority to many over-worked and exhausted parents. It may be inevitable but it’s not forever — and there are important steps you can take to keep your sex life as active as possible.
Keep your room baby-free. That means no children sleeping in your bed, and no toys that’ll suddenly start beeping or blaring when you’re in the middle of things. If possible, keep your room a TV-free zone too. According to an Italian study, couples with a television in their room have sex half as often as those without.
If you make the effort, you can keep the connection with your partner strong. Just ensure you set aside a little bit of time – every day if it is possible – for just the two of you to connect and communicate. It will not be the same as pre-children, but this doesn’t have to be a bad thing: embrace the new life that you share together!
