People often talk about wanting to have children, in order to bring them closer together. The truth is that nothing is more likely to cause friction between two people, than the product of their loins.
There you were, sitting on the sofa watching Netflix, going to the pub, off to the cinema, having dinner with friends, and then suddenly, one day…BOOM!!
We are NOT naming her after your first girlfriend, OK?
When did you last change a nappy?
No, he needs to go to sleep at 7, not 8!
That’s not how she likes her blanket.
He’s too young to have solid food!
… And so on and on and on.
Some couples are lucky, and argue over very little. Though this is may be because one person is controlling, and the other is walked all over or because they really do just genuinely agree on most things. But it’s rare.
According to recent Care.com research, how to discipline children, giving in to tantrums and one parent saying yes to a child and the other saying no are the top 3 things parents are most likely to argue over. More than half of parents believe that a good reason for disagreements was that they were brought up differently. I’d agree as we do tend to stick to what we’re used.
Here are some other common subjects for disagreements amongst parents, and the occasional smashing of crockery:
Routines
I am a BIG believer in routine, especially where babies and young children are concerned. Mainly this was for my own self-preservation, as a solid routine was the only thing that gave me the tiniest chance of getting any sleep at night. But even then, it’s easy for one parent to get lax with routines, causing tension and frustration with the other.
Food & Drink
Some parents differ enormously on what they think their child should be eating, or not eating. It seems like a really trivial thing, but it can cause a real debate, when one person is mashing organic pumpkin, and the other is happy to shove a chocolate bar in their child’s mouth at breakfast. And Juice or no juice?? Where I am an ‘only water with meal’ person, my father-in-law would go out of his way to ply the kids with apple juice, crammed with sugar, right under my nose. It drove me absolutely mad. Agree on what your kids will drink, and stick to it.
Schooling
This may sound a little premature, if you’ve not even reached the weaning stage yet, but trust me – how, where, when to educate your child will become the subject of dinner-time conversation quicker than you can say ‘HOW much are nursery fees??’ It’s a big one, and can cause deep, un-solvable disagreements. Best to start talking about it sooner rather than later…
Teenagers
If you thought it was tough when they were babies and toddlers, just you wait until the teenage years! The issues raised here cause some Big Kahuna fighting between parents. It’s not whether Lego or Duplo is better, but is it really OK to play computer games which contain scenes of mass murder, sexual assault and graphic violence? (I say no. He says….not no.) It’s not ‘should they have juice or water?’ but…why are you letting her drink wine at dinner? She’s fourteen!
These are BIG issues. And there are more and more every day. How you decide to handle these things can have a profound impact on a child’s wellbeing and future, as well as yours.
Hey, nobody said parenting was easy. But certainly, TALKING about the things you disagree on, and trying to reach some kind of workable, sensible, peace-keeping compromise, will really make things a lot easier.
Let some stuff go but stick to the things you really believe in, and try to find a way to work TOGETHER on them, not apart.