Jane* a mum to 2 in London, knew something had to change when she found her temper going from 0 to 60 in seconds. “If the children didn’t put their shoes on exactly when I asked them to, I would just start screaming.” As you can imagine, it was a cycle that repeated itself, a lot. Worse, it triggered a host of other unpleasant emotions for Jane, including guilt, shame, and feeling out of control. “I’d scream, then weep out of horror at myself.”
Despite a sincere desire to change, Jane felt trapped. She had suffered a bereavement and her husband was bringing his work stress home with him. There didn’t seem to be an outlet for how she was feeling, or a way to control it.
Whether you are a parent, a nanny or a childminder, we have gathered together wisdom from friends and other sources, to give you tips to get out of screaming mode and into calm contentment:
1. Make Staying Calm Your Number One Priority
No matter how much you’d like to get out the door or put the children to bed “on time,” if you have to scream to make it happen, you’re doing yourself a disservice. Place all your attention on staying calm – instead of on getting your children to do what you want. Getting upset and shouting can exacerbate what was a tricky situation and make it a very unpleasant one in a short time.
2. Put Yourself First
We all know the mother that puts her children first, every day all day sometimes we have been that mother too. However, this is a path that only leads to you resenting them and having little patience. Organize your free time, such as atrip to the gym or seeing a friend first, then decide what outings you’ll do with the children that week.
3. Banish the Phrase “OK?”
Rather than trying to get your children to approve every decision – “We’re going in 5 minutes, OK?” – simply state the facts. If the children protest, stand firm – “I know you’re upset but we’ve had fun, it’s time to go.” You may think you’re making your life easier by clearing things with them, but you’re only making things worse, as children naturally look to you for leadership.
4. Nurture Your Relationships
It’s vital that you don’t look to your children to complete you, Every piece of female wisdom tells you that a happy mummy equals a happy family. Tend to your adult relationships first – look after your marriage and friendships. Go on a “date night” with your other half, or out with girlfriends and don’t talk about children.
5. Retreat from the Children Occasionally.
It is well-know truism that we all need to have quality time for ourselves. It gives you a chance to regroup. If they are old enough, arrange a sleepover or an extended weekend playdate. If they’re very young, find a childminder or swap care with another local family so that you can have two hours to yourself.
6. Have an In-the-Moment Strategy
Of course, meltdowns (yours and theirs) will still happen. When you need to calm down in the moment, try breathing. It’s impossible to shout at your children if you are practicing your “om’s. Breathe in and count to 10 before you even open your mouth. And when you do start speaking to your children, use a quiet voice. You know, the sort of voice you keep asking them to use.
7. Admit it when you make mistakes.
Should you still go overboard in your reaction, an apology can go a long way towards getting you all back on track again. Treating your children as you would like to be treated goes a long way to restoring nirvana in your precious family.
For Jane, a eureka moment finally helped her get off the scream-cry-scream cycle. “I realized the times when I’m at my wits’ end with my kids are when I have no energy – I haven’t exercised, haven’t been getting enough sleep, haven’t been eating well.” Instead of convincing herself they didn’t have money for her to go to a yoga class, for example, she simply went.
Instead of rushing to get things done while the children were in school and skipping lunch – only to be famished at pick-up – she began taking 20 minutes to sit down and eat a mid-day meal. And instead of immediately saying no to all invitations from friends, she started asking herself “How could I make this work?” It’s those little things that allow us to love the children for who they are rather than what we’d like them to be and to be, in my husband’s words “normal” in our adult relationships. Make it a resolution this week to spend some time for you and let you and your family reap the rewards straightaway.
*Name altered to protect the innocent and normal!