As your parents face the challenges that come with advancing age they may to cling to what remains of their previous selves. Their car might become a symbol of independence; their home filled with memories of better times, to give these up would be a step too far.
Before pushing an elderly relative too hard to accept help, try to understand their fears. They may feel they are being forgotten or marginalised, worn thin by the physical and mental strains of growing older and not wish to admit they are struggling.
Here are 9 strategies to help you overcome the objections of a recalcitrant loved one.
>> Looking for support by an elderly carer? Find one here.
1. Start Early
Ideally, families have relaxed conversations about caregiving long before a health crisis. Look for opportunities to ask questions like, “Where do you see yourself getting older?” or “How would you feel about hiring someone to clean and go to the shops?”
2. Be Patient
Ask open questions and give your loved one time to answer. Conversations may be repetitive and tangential, but persevere and you will eventually reach an arrangement that suits them and gives a sense of control.
3. Don’t Be Brushed Off
Ask questions to determine why an elder refuses help; is it about a lack of privacy, fears about the cost, losing independence or having a stranger in the house? Listen with empathy and validate rather than dismiss your loved one’s feelings.
4. Offer Options
If possible, include your parent in deciding what help is needed and give them the opportunity to sit in on interviews with potential providers. Let them choose the days or times of the carer’s visit, encourage them to see the carer as a companion.
5. Recruit Outsiders
Sometimes it’s easier for a parent to talk to a professional rather than a family member. Don’t hesitate to ask a doctor, nurse or community leader to broach the subject of their care needs.
6. Prioritise Problems
Make a list of your concerns and your parent’s problems, number each point depending on its urgency, and another for steps that should or have been taken to resolve the problems. This will help keep you from feeling overwhelmed.
7. Use Indirect Approaches
Sometimes, particularly when dealing with someone suffering from dementia, offering less information may be more effective. Let your parent know that a carer will be coming to help them on a particular day but do not feel you have to explain every detail of what this will entail.
8. Take It Slow
Gradually introducing a carer to the home will allow your loved one to become comfortable with their presence and naturally develop a rapport. Perhaps arrange a short visit so you can get to know them over a coffee or ask them to assist with a shopping trip.
9. Accept Your Limits
As long as they are not endangering themselves or others, let your parent make their own choices. You can’t be by their side at all times and will not be able to prevent every bad thing from happening, accept what you can accomplish and don’t feel guilty if you have to say “no”.
>> Looking for support by an elderly carer? Find one here.
