Witnessing your child make a mistake, experience failure or struggle with stressful emotions is challenging for any parent. But for helicopter parents? It’s flat out unbearable — which is why they “hover” close to their kids to intervene at the first sign of a tough situation, whether it’s social, emotional or academic. Sounds exhausting? It is, and today, helicopter parents aren’t just burning out their children with their micromanaging, but themselves, too.
So, what exactly is helicopter parenting? We spoke with top experts in the fields of child and family psychology to define what it means to be a helicopter parent, how it impacts both kids and caregivers, plus the best ways to avoid falling into the helicopter parenting trap.
What is helicopter parenting?
Maybe you’re asking “What does helicopter parent mean?” Well, we’re here to explain the concept. Helicopter parenting refers to a parenting style adopted by caregivers who are overly involved in their children’s lives, often to the point of controlling every aspect of their activities and decisions.
In general, helicopter parents are known to “bail out” their kids when tough situations arise and solve their problems for them rather than allowing them the independence and autonomy to figure things out for themselves.
How the helicopter parenting definition is changing
While definitions of different parenting styles vary by country and culture, the helicopter parenting definition continues to evolve, according to experts.
The concept of helicopter parenting was first introduced by child psychotherapist Haim Ginott in 1969 in relation to the negative parent-child relationship that can form between teens and overbearing caregivers. In 1990, child development researchers Foster Cline and Jim Fay coined the specific term “helicopter parent” to describe how overprotective “hovering” behaviour was becoming increasingly prevalent among parents with children of all ages.
Kelly Dean Schwartz is an associate professor in the School and Applied Child Psychology Program at the University of Calgary. He told the CBC that the latest research shows “that hyper attempts at control and protection is actually showing itself to be harmful.”
Schwartz says that overprotective parents aren’t bad parents and that they’re motivated by love, “They’re concerned about their kids. They’re thinking they’re doing the best for their kids.”
So, why are helicopter — or intensive — parents doing more than ever? Much of it has to do with today’s educational achievement culture, or the widespread belief that the better a student performs in school, the better their chances of success. This idea has both increased the stakes — and competition — when it comes to getting into college, and helicopter parents are swooping in more than ever to try and help. Schwartz explains, “They’re having trouble letting their kids make decisions, letting their kids deal with the consequences. Learning to give that child bites of freedom, bites of autonomy and responsibility.”
Examples of helicopter parenting at every age
Helicopter parenting can occur through all stages of a child’s development. Here are some age-by-age examples of helicopter parenting and how they impact kids:
Helicopter parenting of toddlers
Helicopter parenting patterns can start early when parents overreact to a toddler tumbling over when learning to walk and catching them every time — even when there’s no risk of injury.
Other examples of helicopter parenting at this age are hovering over a toddler as they play on the playground, not allowing them to interact with other children without close supervision, directing their play or speaking for them. This overprotective behaviour depletes opportunities for kids to gain confidence and mastery over new skills.
Helicopter parenting in preschool
Being overly protective is still a go-to trait for helicopter parents during the preschool stage, as is the tendency to overhelp. For example, helicopter parents may volunteer in a child’s classroom in an excess amount to make decisions for them to avoid them experiencing any pain, unhappiness or discomfort. They may also tell their children what toys they’re allowed to play with and even dictate who they can be friends with.
The Canadian Paediatric Society says that kids need to experiment with free play, including risky play, to develop fully. “Free play is essential for children’s development and for their physical, mental, and social health.”
Helicopter parenting in elementary and middle school
When kids start elementary school, helicopter parents most notably start to micromanage academic work. Helicopter parents may complete or oversee homework assignments, closely monitor grades and even meet with their child’s teacher or principal to demand grade changes or accommodations.
On the social front, helicopter parents may overschedule their school-aged children’s activities, provide conflict resolution with friends or clean and organize their child’s room. But this can backfire in a big way at this stage because tweens are naturally prone to pull away from their parents in favour of their peers during middle school years.
Helicopter parenting in high school
Many helicopter parents kick micromanaging into high gear around academics in high school with the belief that “perfect” grades are necessary to be successful after graduation.
What leads to helicopter parenting?
Anxiety and fear are the biggest contributors to the helicopter parenting style. When parents really struggle with this kind of worry, it impacts their behaviour and may lead to helicopter parenting.”
Here are the most common triggers that lead to helicopter parenting today:
Desire to prevent ‘dangerous’ outcomes
Parents may believe that without their intervention their children could be in danger and that the consequences feel too high if they don’t act.
These consequences can include both real potential dangers, including substance abuse and unsafe social media use, or perceived threats such as bad grades or bad friend influences.
Feeling the pressure to be perfect
A primary reason parents engage in helicopter parenting is the tendency to define aspects of their own self-image in terms of their children’s lives. They may believe their children are a reflection of themselves, as well as their parenting skills and could experience feelings of shame if their children don’t behave as expected.
Personal childhood trauma
The helicopter style of parenting can also stem from the caregiver’s own childhood. Those parents who may have been raised in unsupportive or emotionally abusive households could micromanage their kids’ time and behaviour to try to prevent similar suffering.
The effects of helicopter parenting
Unlike authoritative parenting or gentle parenting, which experts agree can offer benefits for the entire family, the helicopter parenting style is only known for its drawbacks. Negative effects of helicopter parenting during adolescence can include:
- Lowered self-esteem and self-confidence.
- Increased anxiety and stress in unfamiliar situations.
- Inability to make independent decisions.
- Difficulty dealing with failure.
When it comes to the long-term consequences of helicopter parenting, the negative effects extend even further and get more complicated. They may include:
Delayed development in relation to peers
Children and teens who have helicopter parents learn to be more fearful of the outside world and new challenges which can make them appear more immature than their same-aged peers.
Strained family relationships
A hyperfocus on academic success can come at the cost of parents’ relationships with their kids. Teens and young adults may feel excessive pressure to succeed academically which can affect self-esteem and self-worth.
Mental health conditions later in life
Young adults with helicopter parents may also suffer setbacks in college and beyond. They may lack the experience and resilience that’s required to navigate life transitions, including moving out, going to college, navigating personal relationships and seeking employment because they have never had to problem-solve for themselves. This can lead to anxiety, depression or substance misuse.
Parental burnout
It’s not just children who are feeling the negative effects of helicopter parenting. Caregivers are feeling the pressure to take on an enormous amount of extra responsibilities which may lead to more parental burnout.
How to avoid helicopter parenting
To avoid becoming a helicopter parent, encourage your kids to be more independent and face more challenges without setting strict boundaries on how they tackle them.
That includes allowing for “responsible risk”. Schwartz says parents should ask themselves, “What can we do as parents to allow our kids to safely fail? Am I giving my kids the opportunity to actually recover from a failure?”
Struggling to break out of a helicopter parenting pattern? This is how to overcome this common parenting trap.
Value your relationships with your children over academics
Be sure the expectations you have for your child line up with your family’s core values, not that of educational achievement culture. Examples of core values include kindness, resilience, creativity, curiosity and strength, as opposed to getting perfect grades.
Pause before stepping in to solve a problem
Give kids the opportunity to learn how to manage their own lives, which will help increase their confidence and make them feel more competent and connected to you.
The Canadian Paediatric Society recommends that parents and caregivers practice pausing for 15 to 30 seconds to observe children’s ‘state of play’ before intervening. They then suggest that “When parents do intervene, their first focus can be on raising a child’s awareness of a situation or behaviour, then helping the child to manage a predicament or problem-solve”.
Prioritize trust and communication
Trust is a two-way street, as kids who feel that their parents have faith in them, and their abilities usually make better choices.
The bottom line on helicopter parenting
By being overly involved in their children’s lives, sometimes to the point of controlling every aspect of their activities and decisions, helicopter parents compromise a child’s ability to learn critical decision-making skills and independence. This can lead to delayed development, strained family relationships and even mental health conditions like anxiety and depression.
Instead, parents can learn to find ways to care for and love their children in a supportive and productive way.
