How to work together to get the best results.
Sometimes it seems that every week brings new physical, emotional, or behavioural changes in a child’s life, with the behaviour and discipline issues sometimes testing even the most patient of parents and babysitters. And if your child has ever drastically changed from good to bad behaviour in the hands of a sitter, or your household suffers from the effects of “good cop bad cop” parenting, you are not alone.
Particularly for stretched-thin, modern parents, it may seem easier to split discipline duty (i.e. disciplinarian vs. pushover), but everyone benefits from a united discipline front. Consistent parenting not only helps provide structure for children, but also decreases the number of “experimental trials” children will subject you and other carers to as they learn about human behaviour.
Why does children’s behaviour change frequently?
Children essentially function like determined experimental psychologists: they present a behaviour, then evaluate their carers’ reaction. They are intrigued by the response, particularly if it varies from trial to trial and person to person. Variability in response encourages children to continue experimenting, to determine how far they can push the boundaries in different scenarios. It may sound manipulative, but it’s age-appropriate behaviour.
A child’s behaviour is also likely to change dependent on who is looking after them – be it a grandparent, other relative, a nanny or a neighbour. Their behaviour will be better (and more in line with their behaviour when with you) when their carer actively follows your routines and discipline plans. This is normally easier with hired help. Probably due to the family link, your child’s behaviour may be most erratic when with their grandparents, who will be more inclined to let them push limits. It can be difficult to give your own parents advice about caring for your child, given that they have successfully raised children themselves. So, when it comes to dealing with your parents and in-laws, it’s wise to choose your battles carefully.
Once a child’s behaviour begins to slip regularly, it can be easy for it to head on a rather speedy downward spiral. More serious yet common behavioural situations such as being unpleasant to classmates and testing physical boundaries can quickly evolve. These may seem difficult topics to broach, but they are far more important when compared to the relatively innocuous food flinging of toddler years. So, it is important to start engaging in more conversations about discipline with all your care providers. For the most part you should find them to be highly receptive.
Respond consistently to your child’s behaviour
The conversations and repetitive responses required to maintain consistency in child rearing can get tedious. No doubt this cycle will sound all too familiar:
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Calmly maintaining that you don’t respond to a whiney voice
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Getting what the child needs if they ask in a polite voice
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Periodically caving in to the whining just to make it stop
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Start all over again
Despite the arduous repetition and occasional compromise, you’ll be reaping the rewards at home, particularly in easier babysitter transitions that don’t hamper you with worry as you head out for a well-deserved date night.
Build a united front
As you work on building your united front, keep your sitter in the loop regarding how you are handling the most common discipline situations like whining, hitting, and throwing food. If the babysitter is part of your regular routine, you may be able to discuss this information verbally; otherwise, jot down a few notes so that they are not expected to absorb a stream of discipline information while helping your child cope with transition and separation as you head out the door. When you return, take the time to chat with your sitter. Find out about any difficult situations that arose and how they handled them.
Remember to:
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Provide feedback
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Encourage your babysitter to ask questions
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Keep a list of child care preferences for your babysitter
The more dialogue you have, the better your discipline philosophy will come through, allowing for consistency that translates across all parties. The peace of mind you’ll feel as you enjoy your evening out will be well worth the effort.