Breastfeeding can be a huge challenge, especially when moms aren’t surrounded by supportive people. That’s why one dad recently took to Facebook to share a set of rules and advice for other fathers who want to be helpful to their breastfeeding partners — but his controversial tips ended up making some moms mad instead.
The dad’s advice was posted on the popular pro-breastfeeding Facebook page Breastfeeding Mama Talk, and they start off with his two main takeaways from watching his wife nurse three children: “Women have extraordinary bodies, and breasts are forever ruined for me.”
Oh, boy. That’s not a great start.
The dad goes on to explain that breastfeeding takes away “the mystery and resulting excitement” of seeing a woman’s breasts. He includes some useful tips, like the fact that partners can help breastfeeding moms by always cleaning bottles and breast pump parts, and that they should be patient and supportive. He even mentions stocking up on nipple cream. Unfortunately, a lot of the better advice gets overshadowed by tips like: “New Fathers, heed my warning. Sagging will occur! Do your best to burn the image of your woman’s breasts in your mind pre-pregnancy because those hooters will no longer be the same.”
He continues, “There will be times where those babies [breasts] are the size of double D’s causing your woman’s bra to be bursting at the seams, but in the end they will look like deflated water balloons saddened and exhausted from the abuse your child had put them through.”
He also tells partners their wives’ breasts aren’t “for your pleasure” anymore. “Bottom line, those babies have endured constant abuse from feedings and the breast pump,” he explains. “They are sore and worn out so it is my advice that you just keep your hands to yourself and consider you wife’s breasts no longer for your pleasure.”
He wraps it all up by writing, “In summary, your woman is now a cash cow (think about the money you are saving!) and the bottom line is that those boobies, breasts, knockers, hooters, whatever you want to call them, are now the life source to your new child. Protect them, cherish them and honor them because even though they are no longer yours, your new baby depends on them. Yay for boobies!”
The post was met with a lot of laughs, but many moms took issue with the way this dad speaks about women and about their bodies. “He literally says ‘breasts are forever ruined for me.’ His tone is a bit rude, like ‘hey fellow guys, better get used to ugly tits that aren’t your playthings.’ This could have been very sweet, but it left a sour taste for me,” one commenter wrote.
Another added, “I would be heartbroken if my husband wrote these things about me. Telling your wife that her boobs are ruined forever is not supportive. These points are so disrespectful. Gross.”
And one other commenter kept her clapback short and sweet: “Umm, those breasts were never ‘yours.’”
Of course, not everyone who read the post was offended. Some commenters told their fellow moms to calm down and find the humor in the dad’s words. “Wow!!! Lol So much hate,” one wrote. “It was funny!! I am in no way offended. My boobs will never be the same after 3 kids… everyone needs to get a sense of humor!!”
Moms are well aware that pregnancy causes lasting body changes, and they know their partners aren’t blind to that. What makes this dad’s post so questionable is the fact that he speaks about those changes as though he’s describing wear and tear on a vehicle he purchased. His post reads like he’s talking about losing his favorite plaything, rather than celebrating the sacrifices of and advocating for his life partner.
The idea that women’s breasts and bodies exist for men is pervasive, and it’s likely a big part of the reason that breastfeeding shame is so rampant. People still view breasts as inappropriate and solely “for pleasure,” despite the fact that feeding babies is actually their intended purpose. It’s certainly not up to this one dad to change decades of sexism and misogyny towards women, but words do matter, and surely there are better ways to support breastfeeding moms than talking about all the ways they are “forever ruined” in the eyes of men.
Read next: Dads can finally ‘breastfeed’ with this wearable device
