Since picking my son up from our babysitter and putting him down for bed, I can name at least a half-dozen things I’ve done “wrong.” I should’ve been friendlier to the sitter and not in such a hurry. I should’ve washed my child’s hands before dinner. I regret not forcing him to eat something other than fries. I felt ashamed when I saw the mess we left behind at the restaurant. Back at home now, I could’ve done a better job brushing his teeth. I should’ve gotten him into bed earlier. I should be helping him to become a more independent sleeper and not snuggling him to sleep.
Child and family psychotherapist Veronica Bojerski says that as a licensed professional clinical counselor and owner of Season’s Practice in Broadview Heights, Ohio, she hears it all the time: “Even moms who look like they’ve got it together, they’re all hot messes, and they’re all tremendously guilty.”
“I hear ‘I’m not there enough. I’m working too much,’ or ‘I’m not working. I don’t have any money,’” she says. “Moms are guilty for wanting time for oneself. They’re guilty for losing their temper.”
The list, she says, goes on and on. Feelings of guilt and self-judgment, Bojerski says, are normal.
“Every mom has them,” she says. “Guilt is when you feel responsible for something. It’s a feeling of should’ve, would’ve, could’ve.”
Shame, on the other hand, Bojerski says, “attacks the core of who you are. It’s the feeling of ‘something’s wrong with me. I’m bad.’ … When you have deep shame, you can’t be vulnerable. Shame gets in the way of parenting.”
Below, moms confess what they perceive as their biggest parenting fails, while Bojerski weighs in on how and why we might think about our shortcomings differently.
1. “I give my kid a screen.”
In spite of the World Health Organization recommendation on screen time, lots of moms let their little ones look at the TV, tablet or smartphone. And yet, even though we have our good reasons for doing so, we feel guilty.
Durham, North Carolina, mom Christina Riley admits that, prior to parenting, she used to judge parents who whipped out their phones in restaurants.
“Now, the only question I ask is, ‘Dora or Bubble Guppies?’” she says.
“I swore my toddler wouldn’t have any [screen time], but if we go to a restaurant or I’m sick one afternoon, ‘Baby Shark’ is a godsend,” says Laura Dorwart, a mom from Oberlin, Ohio.
Expert advice to keep in mind:
The point of guilt, Bojerski says, is that it makes a person reassess their behavior.
“Ask yourself, do I really need to change or not?” she says. “Do we really have a problem here? If it’s not a problem, let it go. If it’s a problem, do a re-evaluation.”
2. “Sometimes I ignore my child.”
We moms have a lot on our plates, in addition to mothering. And yet, we feel guilty if we’re not mothering all. the. time.
Silver Spring, Maryland, mom Holly Leber Simmons is a work-at-home freelancer and full-time caregiver of her 8-month-old daughter. Even as she’s constantly juggling these two roles, Simmons says she feels “really guilty” when she’s not paying attention to her daughter.
“If I’m getting stuff accomplished, that’s one thing, but if I’m just screwing around on YouTube, then I feel bad,” Simmons says.
Eloísa Pérez-Lozano de Castelan, a mom from Houston, says she also feels tremendously guilty doing something for herself when she’s not doing chores, cooking and/or playing with her son.
“I try to talk myself out of the guilt by reminding myself that I need time for me in order to be a better mother and that he needs to be OK with playing on his own, (which he is) because both are true, but I hate feeling that first pang of guilt like I’m ignoring my child,” she says.
Expert advice to keep in mind:
“This is something lots of people struggle with,” says Bojerski. “As a mom, I also relate.”
The solution Bojerski offers her busy patients: “Make sure you’re giving your child 15 minutes of authentic connection a day. Just 15 minutes is all it takes.”
3. “I don’t like to play with my kid.”
We have other things that distract us from our children. It may also be a fact that we find it difficult to connect on their level.
Emily Farmer Popek, a mom from Oneonta, New York, admits she doesn’t often play with her 7-year-old because she doesn’t enjoy doing so.
“It breaks my heart when she plaintively asks, ‘Don’t you want to play with me, Mama?’ But … I don’t want to,” she says.
“I have zero ability to do make-believe games with dolls,” confesses Danielle Boudreau, a mom from Halifax, Nova Scotia. “I justify it by saying it’s not my job to entertain her. She needs to learn to entertain herself.”
“I do not like playing with my children. I might even say I hate it,” confesses one mom, who wishes to remain anonymous. “I feel major guilt over that, but I just … don’t want to.”
Expert advice to keep in mind:
“It’s like exercising,” Bojerski says. “Some people love it, others have to force themselves through it. Give your child 15 minutes a day.”
4. “I’m not perfect.”
Being a mom is the toughest job on Earth. So why are we so hard on ourselves for not giving 110% of ourselves, 110% of the time?
When it comes to mom guilt, Milwaukee mom Alexandra Rosas’ list is long: “I don’t clean like I should. I don’t cook enough meals like I should. I don’t do enough outdoors stuff with the kids like I should.”
Claire Zulkey, a mom from Evanston, Illinois, confesses she’s not a super mom either. After a long day of momming, she admits she’ll sometimes “run out of gas.” Zulkey feels bad, she says, “hurrying [my kids] to bed, instead of all the stories and talks and song time I think ‘good moms’ enjoy doing.”
Expert advice to keep in mind:
“Society tells us were supposed to do and be everything — with a cheerful attitude,” Bojerski says. “When we don’t live up to that, we think we’re having a nervous breakdown.”
Consider instead, she says, that “it’s a normal reaction to unreasonable demands.”
The solution here, Bojerski says, is delegating.
“Everyone other than mom needs to step it up — and mom needs to lower her expectations,” she says.
5. “I yell at my kids.”
Let’s face it: Kids aren’t easy. And as parents, we all have our moments.
Boston mom Colleen Temple says she feels her worst when she loses her patience and yells.
“I hate when I do it and I beat myself up over it,” Temple says.
Leigh Ann Torres, a mom from Austin, Texas, also confesses: “I lose my temper more than I would like, just like my mom. The difference is we talk about it and I’m willing to admit when I’m wrong.”
Expert advice to keep in mind:
“Apologize, but don’t over-apologize, because losing your temper is normal,” Bojerski says. “‘You’re not inadequate.”
6. “My kids have suffered adversity.”
We all want to shelter our children from suffering. Even when this isn’t possible, we blame ourselves.
When Katie Mullins, a mom from Evensville, Indiana, suffered a stroke, she says she regrets that it was her step-daughter who found her.
“She was already forced to grow up fast,” Mullins says. “Our first married Christmas was in a hotel because our house burned down. We’ve had constant medical problems and stability problems since.”
While Mullins knows that neither her health problems nor the fire were her fault, she says, “I feel so guilty that her life has been nothing but chaos.”
Expert advice to keep in mind:
If you stay open and handle adversity with grace, Bojerski says, “it builds resiliency and becomes a strength.”
“Adversity teaches our children to be compassionate and empathetic,” Bojerski says. “Life is going to give you more. Maybe not. But if it does, your child has exercised those muscles.”
The bottom line
“Guilt is such a universal problem passed down in families, and it’s not necessary,” Bojerski says. “If we obsess over things and feel guilty, that’s what we teach our children to do.”
Instead, Bojerski encourages us to believe we all have an opportunity to learn through parenting. Instead of holding on to feelings of guilt, shame and self judgement, she says, “we moms all need to admit we’re human beings and that we’re not perfect. Show your children by example how to let go.”
Read next: 8 big, fat parenting anxieties and how to cope with them
