I wrote this as an answer, and then decided it is important enough of an issue to be a note.
This is such an important topic. I am not a parent,
but I am deeply involved with communities of families and children and
babies. And, my husband is a computer tech guy. If I were a mother, my
perspective would be that by necessity any and all use of the
electronic modalities available to my children would be handled with a
discernment equal to them asking me if they can drive a car. Do my
children have personal boundary rights that are not to be violated; yes,
they do. Is it my job as a parent to insure that they don’t get too far
out onto the High Ways of life too fast before they are adept at
handling themselves in the “situations” that can very suddenly
arise—yes, and more important, where the internet, etc. is concerned,
because there is no one else that can. This would mean phone, text and
use of the web would be limited to my awareness of it. We would have
very clear family discussions about why they can’t use these things
without supervision, so that they know it is not because of them, or
because I don’t believe they deserve privacy, but because it is a
modality in the world that can become incredibly dangerous so fast they
would not know what happened until it was too late, without adult
experience at their back.
In my experience, this is really one
of those areas where parents need the strength, and being supported in
the strength to be a child’s parent, and not a child’s friend. This
issue of boundaries is very different from the personal boundaries they
have with their own bodies, what they do with their clothes or their
toys, for example. Very much like driving a car—their necessary
adeptness at handling themselves is not just about trusting them and
their intention to act wisely—it is hugely about the behavior of a
universe full of strangers—all those other “drivers” out there over
which individuals have no control.
This happened to a
thirteen-year-old, very close in to my family, who is really on the ball
in all kinds of ways. She has a sound foundation of communication with
both of her parents, and regular-every-day conversations about the need
to be careful on the internet were had, and —they thought— adequate
blocks to certain sites making it safe enough. Her parents discovered
she had been in conversation with a man about sex, who in his 50s,
passing himself off as early 20s. He was working on finding a way to
meet her, when the girl asked one of her parent’s a question that sent
up a flag for them. This kind of thing can develop unbelievably
fast—and, because we don’t want to believe it, it can be difficult to
recognize clearly when it does.
This family got educated by
going to some workshops and presentations on these issues. One piece
they came away with had to do with slumber parties, campouts and
sleepover types of events—to check with supervising parents to agree
with no internet access at these parties. This means visitors check
their devices at the door. What used to be “prank phone calls” when we
were growing up are now games pretending to be adults in chat rooms,
etc.
