Just as parents and caregivers rely on medical doctors to address issues related to their child’s physical health, they may turn to a therapist when their child is struggling mentally or emotionally. Mental health challenges can arise at any time but might be especially likely during times of transition. Attending a new school, being introduced to a new sibling or dealing with grief and trauma stemming from death or divorce are all typical situations that may be better managed with a therapist, says Meredith Little, licensed professional counselor, owner and founder of Kinship Holistic Psychotherapy. Regardless of the specific troubles they’re facing, dramatic or sudden behavior and mood changes are signs your child is struggling and can benefit from therapy, she notes.
However, presenting family or individual therapy to kids can be daunting. From fear of meeting a stranger or misconceptions about therapy and reasons for going, a child may refuse to go to therapy. But there are approaches you can lean on to help your child see therapy as a positive tool.
Here, experts share why a child might resist therapy and ways parents can encourage them to go.
Why a child — and parent — might benefit from therapy
There are many reasons why a child, or any person, can benefit from therapy, says Little. Learning how to regulate emotions is a positive skill to learn and that includes naming feelings and talking about them, she explains. Given that parents may be overwhelmed and struggle to be as present and calm with a child as they may like, a therapist can be helpful to a child in ways a parent can’t. Therapists create space between a parent and child and are able to stay calm and present in ways that a parent can’t always achieve because of their emotional investment.
Other benefits include bolstered self-awareness and coping skills, says Dr. Ryan Sultán, a board-certified psychiatrist, child therapist and professor at Columbia University.
As a therapist and also a parent, Little says that everyone in the family benefits from seeing a therapist. Therapy offers both parents and kids their own emotional outlet.
And when parents work with their own therapist, they may learn that their child’s behavior is “normal.” “There are so many resources out there for parents to help them make sense of what is going on with their kid and also help them see that [their child’s behavior or struggle] isn’t their fault,” points out Little.
And if parents want their child to take advantage of mental health care, they should want the same for themselves, she points out. A parent’s willingness to seek therapy shows that they are committed to their own growth and learning, which goes a long way when setting an example for your child.
Why a child might refuse to go to therapy
A child might argue against going to therapy, regardless of age, due to fear, stigma or misconceptions about what therapy entails, says Sultán.
Here are reasons why a child may refuse to go to therapy.
They have misconceptions about what therapy will entail
Kids will often bring misconceptions about therapy into their arguments, points out Heidi McBain, a licensed marriage and family therapist and licensed professional counselor who is also certified in perinatal mental health. According to McBain, they may say something along the lines of:
- “Therapy will be boring.”
- “I won’t know what to talk about with my therapist.”
- “Therapy will be awkward, and I won’t like my therapist.”
- “If I start therapy, I’ll have to go for the rest of my life.”
To counter these myths, let kids know that it’s the therapist’s job to find ways to connect with them to take some of the pressure off, suggests McBain. Remind them that it’s normal to feel awkward as they’re getting to know a new person, and it may take a month of weekly sessions to get more comfortable. “Give them an out that if the therapist isn’t a good fit, after a certain amount of time, so they can try a new provider,” she says.
If a child still feels uneasy after several appointments but is willing to try someone new, it’s OK to make a switch. You can explain to your child that the goal does not need to be to go to therapy indefinitely; feeling better and talking about lowering the frequency of therapy or going as needed is, says McBain.
Other kids may assume that therapy is for people who are “crazy.” It’s important to address that therapy is not only for mentally ill people, but that mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, notes Sultán.
Similarly, they may believe that therapy won’t help or that they don’t actually need help, explains Ryan Hetrick, a psychologist and CEO of the Epiphany Wellness. “Parents can reassure their child that seeking therapy is not a sign of weakness or inability to handle things on their own,” he notes. “Rather, it’s an opportunity for growth and self-improvement.”
They’re afraid of being judged
“While therapy can be very helpful, it often comes with a stigma and children can view going to therapy as a negative,” acknowledges Brittany Beispel, a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in working with children and adolescents.
Hetrick adds that children may also worry about being judged by their therapist for their thoughts or feelings. “As a parent, it’s important to address this fear and reassure your child that therapists are non-judgmental and only want to help them,” he says.
It’s also important to remember that your child may fear judgment from peers, especially if they’re in middle school or high school, says Sultán. They may also be concerned about their privacy or being labeled as mentally unstable.
In order to destigmatize therapy, Sultán suggests offering your child real-life examples of well-known figures or even friends who have benefited from therapy. “[This] reinforces that seeking help is a strength, not a weakness,” he says. “Parents can emphasize that therapists are trained professionals who are there to support and guide, offering a neutral perspective outside the family dynamic.”
They’re concerned about confidentiality
It’s common for children to be worried about confidentiality, notes Little. While kids may simply be embarrassed or not ready to open up about certain subjects, parents would do well to consider the larger picture, she says. “Sure, all children are a little hesitant, but if you are running into a huge roadblock of trust, it could be indicative of a bigger issue,” explains Little. “Why is the kid so worried about parent finding out what is talked about? What is the kid worried will happen if the parent finds out? Is this a way for the child to be trying to take care of the parent’s emotions?”
And when it comes to parents reassuring kids of their right to privacy, Little says that actions speak louder than words — when it comes to therapy and beyond. “Respecting kids’ space and boundaries and open communication [are important] in all areas of life,” she notes. That said, Little encourages parents to avoid asking their child’s therapist questions that might be intrusive or invasive.
However, HIPAA guidelines are usually clear in the informed consent of a therapist agreement, she adds. “Generally, this is [in regards to] harm to self or others or if they are being harmed by someone else,” she says. “Therapists generally take this very seriously. Not only is it a premise of therapy but also a way to care for the child.”
“By using open communication, normalizing therapy, involving their child in decision making and addressing concerns, parents can help their child see therapy as a positive tool for their mental health and well-being.”
—Ryan Hetrick, a psychologist and CEO of the Epiphany Wellness
Tips for encouraging your child to go to therapy
If you’ve heard your child out and find that resistance is still happening, consider offering age-appropriate encouragement. Just be sure that you first validate their feelings, says Beispel. “This allows your child to feel understood, strengthens relationships and creates space for change,” she notes. A caregiver doesn’t need to agree with the child or change the game plan, but it shows them you are listening.
Beispel recommends saying something like, “I understand that you are angry that we want you to go to therapy, and I’ve seen you do things you haven’t wanted to do before and I know you can get through it.”
“By using open communication, normalizing therapy, involving their child in decision making and addressing concerns, parents can help their child see therapy as a positive tool for their mental health and well-being,” explains Hetrick, who adds that positive and honest communication is the best approach when encouraging your child to go.
Here are age-specific ways to provide encouragement to a child who’s resisting therapy.
If your child is in elementary school…
Simplify the concept of therapy, recommends R.Y. Langham, a licensed child and family psychologist and marriage and family therapist. “It’s often effective to explain therapy as a space where they can talk about their feelings, akin to having a special friend skilled in helping kids feel better,” she explains.
You might also use books that include characters experiencing therapy and emphasizing the positive outcomes, adds Langham. Acknowledge that apprehension is normal and that you, their caregiver, are there to support them every step of the way.
And consider reminding your child that going to a therapist is like going to a doctor when they aren’t feeling well, says Sultán who adds that you can explain that games and arts can be part of therapy too.
If your child is in middle school…
Middle schoolers will respond to parents to the normalcy of seeking support for mental health, says Sultán. “Acknowledging that adolescence brings various challenges and emotions, parents can highlight therapy as a resource for navigating these changes,” he notes.
Addressing the fear of judgment and being misunderstood is crucial, he adds.
Langham agrees that self-awareness and the concerns around stigma needs to be validated, but it’s also important to emphasize how effective personal growth can be. “Highlight how therapy can aid them in understanding themselves better and coping with the unique pressures of school and social life,” she advises.
All experts we spoke to say that getting your middle schooler involved in choosing the type of therapy and the therapist they see is also necessary. When kids know the different ways they can interact with a therapist (art, play, dance, talk) and a little bit more about the person, it gives them a sense of control, says Langham. Consult with your primary care provider for guidance, but giving your child options will encourage buy-in.
“Discussing the potential benefits, such as improved coping skills and enhanced self-awareness, can resonate with teens.”
—Dr. Ryan Sultán, a board-certified psychiatrist, child therapist and professor at Columbia University
If your child is in high school…
Like middle school kids, teenagers should be involved with choosing their therapist. Show them a potential therapist’s website or online profile and let them be part of the decision based on who seems like a good fit. Your child will feel more in control and will be more likely to engage when they begin the therapeutic relationship.
The fear of judgment is present with this age group too. “Parents can stress the confidentiality of therapy sessions and the proactive nature of seeking support,” says Sultán. “Discussing the potential benefits, such as improved coping skills and enhanced self-awareness, can resonate with teens.”
Having discussions that highlight empowerment and long-term benefits go a long way with high school kids, points out Langham. “It’s a time when they’re making decisions about their future, so stressing how therapy can equip them with skills for life can be compelling,” she says, adding that it’s important to respect their growing independence and provide them with the space to make their own decisions, while setting clear expectations if therapy is necessary for serious concerns.
Additionally, parents can help their child understand that seeking therapy is a sign of strength and self-care, rather than weakness or something to be ashamed of, notes Hetrick.
What to do if your child still refuses to talk to a therapist
If you have done everything you can to convince and encourage your child to go to therapy, there is a chance they will still say no. This can be frustrating and scary for parents who feel desperate to get their child help, especially if their safety is involved.
“Not every child is going to be intrinsically motivated to go to therapy, but parents can externally motivate their kids in other ways to attend,” says Beispel, who also suggests using positive reinforcements as a way to externally motivate their child to attend therapy sessions. The reward can be something the parent and child agree to such as special time together or a favorite meal.
And if that doesn’t work, a parent can continue to have conversations around the benefits of therapy and mental health, says Beispel. There’s also merit to meeting with a therapist without your child to receive support and skill building to help support them. Just because a child refuses to go to therapy at one point in time doesn’t mean that they can’t change their mind in the future, she notes. Let your child know the door is always open.
The bottom line
Parents would do well to present therapy to their child through open, honest communication. Hetrick reiterates that this means explaining to the child why therapy may be beneficial for them, what they can expect from the sessions and how it can help them address any challenges or concerns they may have. “By being transparent and open about the process, parents can help their child see therapy as a helpful resource rather than something to be afraid of,” he says.
Therapy is meant to equip your child with the necessary skills to navigate their emotions and life’s challenges, says Little. The more your child is involved in the process the better it will be for everyone.