Have you been to a playground on a Sunday afternoon? Then maybe you’ve observed a toddler fall or bump their head and start to cry. If the child’s mother is there, she’ll probably pick the child up and make sure they’re not seriously hurt. Then she’ll hug and comfort the little one, speaking quietly and empathically for as long as it takes until she’s sure her child is calm and has stopped crying before she sends them off to play again.
If it’s dad who’s on playground duty, things go a little differently. Once it’s clear no serious harm has been done a father is more likely to brush their child off and tease them, or say, “You’re ok,” and encourage them to get back out there.
It’s easy to think that these differences in parenting styles are because many fathers spend less time with their children, or are the result of culturally or socially defined roles. But research says that assumption may be wrong.
Traditionally childcare has been the responsibility of mothers, even if they work. Mothers are the ones who arrange for a surrogate if they’re not home. Fathers, if they were involved at all, were back up, or secondary caregivers. They, and too often others, consider them “babysitters.” However, as relationships become more egalitarian, more women are part of the workforce, gender roles less clearly defined, and same sex parents more common, more men are becoming primary caregivers.
Mothers and fathers are unique in their role as parents. Each is important, but different. One important difference is hormonal. Women produce more oxytocin than men. Oxytocin is often called the bonding or trust hormone. It is produced when a woman gives birth and breastfeeds, but also when she touches, gazes, and comforts her baby. It encourages a mother to comfort her baby, and to feel a sense of longing or loss when they are separated.
According to a study by Ilanit Gordon, Orna Zagory-Sharon, James Leckman and Ruth Feldman of Bar Ilan University and Yale University, mothers and fathers both produce oxytocin when they care for their children Mothers respond by becoming more sensitive and empathic nurturers and fathers become more playfully stimulating tickling their children, or throwing their baby up in the air higher. Dr. John Krystal, editor of Biological Psychiatry noted, “These differences may reflect the impact of culture-specific role expectations, but they also may be indicative of distinct circuit effects of oxytocin in the male and female brain.”
Fathers produce more of the hormone vasopressin than mothers. This hormone is responsible for the aggressive protective response you might see in a parent if their child is threatened. It’s the reason fathers are more likely to encourage stimulating play, independence, and resilience in their children.
There are other biological differences as well. Mothers will tell you they are exquisitely attuned to the slightest change in their child’s breathing. When their baby stirs or cries in the middle of the night, they’re the one who’s instantly awake, while their spouse or partner slumbers on. At the University of Michigan psychiatrist James Swain analyzed MRI snapshots to see how maternal and paternal brains responded to the cries of their own babies and the children of strangers. He and his colleagues found that fathers’ brain activity patterns don’t change as quickly as mothers when their babies cry. Swain joked “that this may be the physiological basis for why a father can roll over in bed when the baby’s crying.”
A study at the University of Sussex showed that fathers are disturbed by soft nature sounds, like insect noises or rustling leaves. Neuropsychologist Dr. David Lewis noted that this “may represent evolutionary differences that make women sensitive to sounds associated with a potential threat to their children, while men are more finely tuned to disturbances posing a possible threat to the whole family.”
Nature has programmed babies to rely on their mothers for food, comfort, reassurance, and protection. Mothers help their children to manage the overwhelm-ing world they’ve been born into. For a newborn, their mother is, as Myron A. Hofer of Columbia University says, the psychobiological regulator of their environment. They provide a child with emotional security,
New research has shown that fathers also have a unique and essential role to play but they parent differently than mothers. (Which many people already take for granted.) A father’s interaction with his child tends to be more physical, and uses more humor and exciting stimulation. This more playful style is key in teaching a child emotional self-control, especially in regard to aggression.
We are beginning to come to a new understanding of the importance of fathers. Jay Belsky PhD at Pennsylvania State University and Ross Parke, PhD. at the University of California Riverside Center for Family Studies have been studying the psychology of the father-child bond, detailing how it works and how different it is from the mother/child bond. One striking difference is that it seems to be more fragile. It can be disturbed or even broken when parents are at odds.
There’s strong evidence that how fathers interact with their children is pretty universal. Even in countries like Sweden, where men often take paternity leave and are more involved in taking care of their child, fathers interacted differently with their child. A study by Michael Lamb, Ann M. Frodi, Carl-Philip Hwang, Majt Frodi, and Jamie Steinberg concluded that how mothers and father interacted with their baby was not due to the amount of time they spent as caregivers. While that may be due in part to socialization, it could also be biological.
This is not to say that biology is destiny. There are environmental and cultural influences on parental roles as well. Parenting styles are passed down from generation to generation. And studies of fathers who are primary caregivers have shown that that role can actually make fathers’ brains look more like mothers brains.
James Rilling at Emory University found that when fathers’ oxytocin levels rise (as they do when they spend a lot of time caring for their children), their testosterone levels go down. These men become more invested in nurturing, and less invested in mating. (This may be a combination of biology and the effort and energy that goes into caring for babies and toddlers, as every mother knows.) Their behavior becomes more empathic and sensitive–that is, more like a biological mother. If a father is going to the primary caregiver this is a good thing for his child, especially in the first three years.
If a father is going to be a baby or toddler’s primary caregiver, they have to learn to be more like mothers, that is, a sensitive and empathic nurturer who responds to a child’s distress quickly.
Because we know that a mother’s place in her child’s life is unique, when she is not there a caregiver—no matter who they are—needs to be able to acknowledge a child’s sadness and loss that her mother is not with her. They cannot ignore or dismiss her feelings, even when those feelings are expressed in a non-verbal way.
A child’s healthy emotional development requires both a primary attachment figure (usually the mother), or other sensitive surrogate caregiver) and a separation figure, which is usually the father. This is true even when same sex couples raise a child. Family structures may change, but the essential needs of children do not. Can a father take the place of a mother? The answer is a qualified maybe.
Erica Komisar, LCSW is a psychoanalyst, parent guidance expert and author of the controversial new book Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood Matters in the First Three Years.