Almost every parent or caregiver has been there: We meet kids at the school for pickup or greet them at the bus in the afternoon and within minutes, they’re whining, sulking or, if we’re really lucky, totally losing it. This, weary friends, is called after-school restraint collapse — and no, it doesn’t just happen in your house.
According to Jennifer Weber, a clinical psychologist and the director of PM Behavioral Health at PM Pediatric Care, after-school restraint happens because “attending, focusing and behaving all day at school takes a tremendous amount of both physical and emotional energy for some kids,” which can leave them them exhausted and dysregulated. “Home is often the safe haven where children feel they can discharge excess energy,” she says.
Of course, being a safe haven, while flattering, can take its toll. Here, experts share tips on dealing with after-school tantrums and meltdowns.
After-school restraint collapse is real
The term after-school restraint collapse was coined by counselor and parenting expert Andrea Loewen Nair, and, in layman’s terms, it means: Your kid loses their you-know-what after school. The reason: They’ve been holding it together all day, and like many adults after a hard day’s work, they need to decompress.
Unlike adults who blow off steam after work via happy hours or walks with friends, though, kids basically fall to pieces in the proverbial (or literal) arms of their caregivers. It isn’t pretty, but technically, it should be taken as a compliment. It’s a sign that you’re their safe person; the one they feel comfortable being vulnerable in front of.
Why after-school restraint collapse happens
Simply put, after-school restraint collapse, sometimes referred to as “post restraint collapse,” occurs because kids have, quite literally, run out of the energy required to restrain themselves. So they — you guessed it — collapse.
“Schools are highly procedural and there are so many rules kids have to follow when they’re there,” explains Suzanne Degges-White, a licensed clinical professional counselor who’s worked with children and adolescents for over 20 years. “[During the school day,] they need to sit down when they’re told, line up and stay in line, stop activities when they’re told and so on. When the school day ends, all that pent-up energy kids have been using to keep themselves in check can turn them into little timebombs ready to explode as soon as the constraints are removed.”
How to handle it in the moment
The million dollar question: How to handle after-school meltdowns and help kids decompress. Here’s what the experts suggest when you’re in the heat of the moment.
Check for the basics. One of the first things to do when your child is losing it after school, according to both Weber and Degges-White, is to take stock of their basic biological needs. “Is your child hungry? Kids who are hungry lose it pretty quickly. Maybe they had a busier day than usual or didn’t finish their lunch,” says Degges-White. “Give your child a healthy snack and see if that works for them.”
Next, troubleshoot other potential triggers, notes Weber. “Did your child nap if they’re still in preschool?” she says. “Were they toileting appropriately?”
If you sense they’re overtired, Degges-White suggests having kids play outside if they’re up for it, or make some low-key suggestions. “The freedom after school can be overwhelming if they’re worn out,” she says. “They may need to be lovingly directed to a nonthreatening, low-stress activity.”
Weber recommends gravitating towards things your child finds soothing, which may be “listening to music, cuddling, drawing or reading.”
Roll with it. If a snack and/or a quiet activity doesn’t defuse the situation, parents and caregivers should, for all intents and purposes, let it ride, suggests Miller Shivers, staff psychologist at the Pritzker Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Health at Lurie Children’s Hospital in Chicago.
“When kids are in the throes of a meltdown, allow them the space and empathize with the fact that it was a hard day,” notes Shivers. “There is really not much to do to intervene and stop the behavior, and doing so may inadvertently escalate the situation. Let the child have their space and time to unload the emotions and be sure and give your attention back to them once they have calmed.”
Set healthy boundaries. Shivers also notes that it might be helpful to “provide boundaries around the emotional meltdowns after school.”
“Tell your child that you understand they need time to release their emotions, but they need to do it in their room and you can try setting a time limit on it,” she says. “Work with your child on this plan. Ask how long they would like the time limit: 20 minutes, five minutes? Sometimes just setting the plan and the time lessens the meltdown because your child knows you acknowledge their difficulties and you are providing a safe space to unload it.”
Stay calm. After-school tantrums can be difficult to deal with (kids, after all, aren’t the only ones who have long, hard days), but in the heat of the moment, staying even-keeled is key. “Don’t get mad with your child or lose your cool,” notes Degges-White. “They’re already feeling overwhelmed, so don’t make things worse by having both of you overwhelmed.”
Degges-White suggests trying to put words to what your child is feeling to help them feel understood and then let them know you’re there to help and direct them to an engaging activity.
Can after-school restraint collapse be prevented?
Even better than addressing the meltdowns in the moment is taking steps on the front-end that may prevent them from happening. Try the following and see if they help:
Take stock of their routine. During a calm moment, Weber suggests thinking about the child’s routine from school to home. She says: “How long is their bus ride? Are they tasked with homework right away when they may benefit from a few minutes for a snack and unwinding after a long day? Are they perhaps overscheduled, melting down because they do not want to attend after-school activities until the evening? Troubleshooting home routines is often the first step.”
Make a plan together. When your child is in a calm state, Shivers says to talk with them and acknowledge that time after school can be rough and then work on solutions together. “Create a plan with your child for after school that suits them,” notes Shivers. “Maybe it’s bringing a snack to pickup or letting them watch a video in their room without being peppered with questions right away or stopping by a playground. Whatever it is, try to establish a routine that gives the child what they need — and while each child is different, many need some form of downtime after school.”
Be in the know. “Young kids often ‘are’ their feelings, so make sure you know what’s happening in their worlds,” says Degges-White. “This way, when a meltdown arises, you can help them recalibrate as quickly as possible.”
Degges-White suggests staying informed on what’s happening in the child’s school, their extracurricular activities and their social worlds, which may offer clues to stressors. “If you know that tests are coming up or that they’ve been treated poorly by friends, you’re prepared for a fallout,” she says. “You can be ready with ways to comfort your child and help them unwind.”
Debrief each day. Whether it’s around the dinner table or in bed at night, talk about their day, which, according to Weber, will help kids process their day, and in turn, regulate.
“Develop a language you and your child can use to recap the day,” she says. “In my household, we ask our children to name something good that happened, something not so good that happened and something weird or silly that happened. Our children know we are going to ask and they’re prepared to answer.” This can both help kids unpack emotions and give parents or caregivers insight to their day.
How parents and caregivers can take care
After-school meltdowns can be seriously taxing for caregivers and parents. Here’s how to make things easier on you.
Try not to take it personally. “This can be a challenge,” says Weber. “Especially if your child’s teacher says they’re an angel at school, but they come home and unload — i.e., you are waiting with open arms only to be yelled at or met with tears. Remember: It is not about you.”
Take care of yourself. Just as you make sure your child is sleeping well and has eaten, do the same for yourself, notes Shivers.
Take a step back. If being in the crosshairs of an epic tantrum is triggering for you (a.k.a. everyone!), take a step back — literally. “Step away and don’t give the child attention during these times,” says Shivers. “But be sure and give your attention back when they have calmed down.”
Keep perspective. “Remember,” Degges-White says. “Kids don’t ‘lose it’ on purpose. No one likes feeling that out-of-control. Keep this in mind and once you know what helps your child calm down, be ready to guide them to those activities when you see them starting to fall apart.”
The bottom line
After-school restraint collapse, while taxing, isn’t a reason to worry. “Kids, especially very young ones, coming home from school exhausted and cranky is nothing new,” Weber says, adding that, so long as the behavior isn’t “unsafe, extreme or sudden and temperamentally unusual for your child,” it’s not cause for concern.
Weber also adds that the crying/complaining/tantruming variety of meltdowns should stop around first grade. However, she notes, “such behaviors may continue longer in children who have a harder time regulating their emotions.”
