How to help introverted kids build confidence and social skills

School, and the accompanying sports, clubs and extracurriculars, can be tough terrain for introverted kids to navigate. People who are introverted, explains Emily Waitt, a Los Angeles-based licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Kincove, are “more drained by social interaction rather than being energized by it.”

“When a child is introverted, it doesn’t mean they’re antisocial, shy or rude,” says Waitt. “It usually just means that they recharge better in quieter, lower stimulation environments.”

When it comes to supporting introverted kids, Waitt notes it’s less about changing who they are and more about understanding how they engage with the world. Here, Waitt and others share how to recognize introversion, choose activities that fit your child’s temperament and support social development in a way that builds confidence without burnout.

What does it mean to be introverted?

If extroverts draw energy from dynamic, even boisterous, social situations, the opposite is true for introverted kids, explains Dr. Fadiyla Dopwell, a board-certified developmental-behavioral pediatrician with Pediatrix Medical Group. 

This doesn’t necessarily mean introverted kids don’t enjoy social settings, activities and sports, but it does mean they typically “have a depleted energy supply afterwards and use their alone time to recharge,” she says. 

Dopwell also notes that while introverted kids may not necessarily be shy, they tend to have more reserved temperaments, which can make group activities (particularly ones where everyone is jockeying for air time) a bit more challenging than they are for naturally outgoing kids.  

Introverted people, continues Dopwell, tend to be introspective and look inward to understand how the world impacts their thoughts, feelings and mood.

“They often learn about their environment and other people through observations,” she explains, “and appreciate deep interactions with a close-knit group of people.”

“Research has shown that many kids who are ‘slow to warm up’ in social situations can eventually become comfortable if they are given enough time to prepare. Introverts need time to think and plan how they’ll interact with others.”

— Dr. Michael DeShields, physician and medical director

Is my child introverted?

There’s no one-size-fits-all picture of introversion, but according to Waitt and Dopwell, introverted kids may:

• Need downtime alone after school, parties or busy activities.
• Prefer a few close friends over a large social circle.
• Enjoy smaller gatherings more than big groups.
• Take time to warm up in new environments or around new people.
• Gravitate toward independent hobbies like reading, drawing, writing, gaming, caring for animals or creative projects.
• Socialize at first, then peel away for solo play or quiet activities.
• Sometimes choose to stay home instead of attending social events.
• Value deep friendships, even if they don’t have many friends.
• Tend to observe before jumping into group activities.
• Often share thoughtful observations or ask deep questions.
• Feel comfortable doing their own thing instead of following the crowd.
• Seem reserved with some people but very expressive with trusted friends or family.
• Become overwhelmed or distressed in loud, crowded or highly stimulating settings.
• Often seek out quiet spaces to recharge on their own.

What challenges may introverted kids face? 

Given the social nature of school, sports and clubs, introverted kids can have a tougher time finding something they connect with. That said, Dr. Michael DeShields, clinical advisor of the Discovery Institute in Marlboro, New Jersey, stresses that it’s important to not rule something out right off the bat. 

“Research has shown that many kids who are ‘slow to warm up’ in social situations can eventually become comfortable if they are given enough time to prepare,” he explains. “Introverts need time to think and plan how they’ll interact with others, so sometimes they might seem a little shy.”

“This means they take some time before getting into things and don’t always immediately join in,” he continues. “However, many introverted kids can really engage once they’ve been given emotional safety and support.”

DeShields adds that, while the idea that introverted kids are “less confident or more anxious than extroverts is simply not supported,” the pressure to perform can become an issue.

“In highly extroverted environments, the expectation is that everyone loves interacting with people, and because this isn’t true for every kid, many kids can feel pressure to act out or keep up socially,” explains DeShields. “When this happens, introverted kids may become anxious or avoid participating altogether.” Waitt adds that this can also be a result of adults or parents pushing them too hard to be social.

Waitt also notes that, “in light of peer culture rewarding outgoing, expressive kids, sometimes introverts may feel like something is wrong with them if their temperament isn’t not understood.” 

How can I help my introverted kid feel confident and engaged (while respecting their personality)?

Helping introverted children build confidence starts with validating their temperament, says Waitt. “Saying something like ‘you don’t have to be the loudest person in the room. You have a lot of other strengths that make you a good friend,’” she encourages. 

Additionally, avoid framing introversion as a problem that needs fixing. “The goal is not to make an introverted child extroverted,” Waitt notes, “but rather to help them build confidence, flexibility and connection in ways that feel authentic to them.”

Other ways parents and caregivers can support introverted kids, per Waitt, Dopwell and DeShields, include:

• Respect their need for downtime.
• Encourage meaningful friendships over large friend groups.
• Help them find activities they genuinely enjoy.
• Give them time to warm up in new situations.
• Create opportunities for smaller social settings.
• Support independent hobbies and interests.
• Teach them to advocate for their boundaries.
• Watch for signs of overstimulation.
• Celebrate strengths like thoughtfulness and creativity.
• Avoid labeling them as “shy” or “antisocial.”
• Make time for one-on-one conversations with them.
• Let them socialize at their own pace.

“When children are allowed to make choices about whether or not to engage in certain activities, they are more likely to be able to manage stress related to transitions.”

— Dr. Michael DeShields

What are good activities for introverted kids?

It’s important for kids to give things a few chances before they shut them down; however, it’s also important to give kids a say, according to DeShields. “When children are allowed to make choices about whether or not to engage in certain activities, they are more likely to be able to manage stress related to transitions.”

To that point, finding the right social activities for introverted kids will probably take some trial and error, as there’s no one formula. “Activities are not determined by personality type, though certain activities may naturally appeal to specific personality traits based on what a child enjoys or needs,” says Dopwell. 

“It is a matter of interest and what they’re drawn to,” she continues. “An introverted person may enjoy a team sport while an extroverted person may enjoy curling up with a good book. The frequency or duration of how they engage in these activities may vary based on personality type and other factors, including relationships.”

Both Waitt and DeShields agree that a number of factors can contribute to finding the “right” activity for introverted kids, but note the following activities that may work well:

• Art classes. 
• Music lessons. 
• Coding/robotics.
• Book clubs. 
• Acting/drama clubs.
• Individual sports, such as gymnastics, swimming, tennis and martial arts. 

What if my child doesn’t want to participate in anything? Should I allow it?

To some extent, yes, says Dopwell. “If your child appears well-adjusted, participates in family life and maintains friendships both at school and outside of it — while also attending school regularly and not showing signs of emotional distress such as depression or anxiety — it may be acceptable for them not to be involved in structured activities,” she says. “Introverted children often do have interests, but these may not include large group settings or team sports.”

If you think they could use more stimulation or socialization, Waitt says a good middle ground is to create minimum expectations with the child. “For example, you might want them to have one physical activity, one creative or skill based activity and some form of social connection, but they may have to say what each of these activities look like,” she says.

Ultimately, though, this sort of intervention should be on a case-by-case basis, she says. “I would first try to understand what’s underneath the refusal,” she notes. “Are tired, overstimulated, anxious, being bullied or simply just uninterested in the activity.”

Should I be worried if my child really just prefers to be solo?

Not necessarily. “Some children genuinely enjoy solitude which can be healthy, creative and restorative,” Waitt says. “But there’s a difference between children who enjoy being alone and those who are doing it out of self protection.”

Waitt and Dopwell notes that closer attention may be warranted if your child is exhibiting any of the following:

• Persistent loneliness or inability to connect.
• Avoiding interaction even with familiar people.
• Withdrawing from family or previously enjoyed activities.
• Ongoing sadness or low mood.
• Frequent irritability or emotional outbursts.
• New or increasing anxiety, especially about leaving home.
• Noticeable increase in isolation over time.
• Clear shift from previously social behavior.
• Difficulty engaging socially without prompting.
• Avoidance driven by fear, distress or shame.
• Little interest in others across settings.

A final note on introverted kids

Introversion on its own is almost never cause for concern, and respecting your child’s temperament is key in helping them build confidence and finding tools to navigate their social world — and that means giving them space sometimes. 

“With introverted kids, it’s important to build in recovery time after social activities,” Waitt says. They’re likely to be more able to participate fully if they know they will have downtime afterwards.”