With six years to go until high school graduation, my oldest daughter is smack in the middle of her trajectory towards independence. She’s experiencing incredible changes, both physically and mentally, while navigating the highs and lows that come with being a preteen girl in the digital age. Though I know in my heart she is ready for sixth grade (with an iPhone in hand), I’m also slightly heartsick for her to leave a bit of her innocence behind.
When I was her age in the 1990s, back-to-school meant customizing my new JanSport backpack with peace signs and smiley face patches and lacing up my new Dr. Martens. I didn’t have seemingly instantaneous access to information and was privileged to live in a somewhat sheltered bubble in Chicago’s south burbs. Prepubescent questions I was wildly too embarrassed to ask about my body, boys and pretty much everything else went unanswered (or answered with misinformation from well-meaning friends). I didn’t grow up talking openly about or even use the term “mental health.” Many topics were still pretty taboo outside of “just say no” D.A.R.E. lessons on smoking and drugs. The Presidential Fitness Test in gym class was a subtle form of shame, and popular kids were free to dish out relentless harassment at school and in the presence of teachers. There were no makeup tutorial videos. No Netflix. No voice search. Heck, Microsoft Word didn’t even have spell check until 1995, and the Gateway computer my parents bought only had some basic version of Notepad.
Now that I’m the mom of a sixth grader, I’ve thought a lot about what I could say or do to help my girl when she’s “feeling all the feels” synonymous with the age. What advice could I give her when my Xennial youth was vastly different from the world she knows today?
Last year, I compared the nasty comment someone wrote on her TikTok to the time when someone wrote “Amanda sucks at cheerleading” on the sixth grade girls’ bathroom wall. (Yup, mean girls suck — a lot.) This summer, after she showed me a snap of her bedazzled friends at the Taylor Swift concert, I told her how I felt when my teammates showed up to practice in the homemade shirts they wore to Mariah Carey’s Rainbow concert. Those FOMO feelings and passive aggressive disses existed back then, too. But, man oh man, they seem so much worse now. Thank you, social media. I recently took Marie Kondo’s advice and unfollowed all that does not “spark joy,” and I advised my daughter to do the same.
In an effort to offer her more words of wisdom, I felt compelled to write a letter to my younger self somewhat inspired by Brad Paisley’s “Letter to Me,” a song he wrote to his teenage self that reflects on moments and people who shaped him as well as lessons he learned over the years. The wisdom I’d offer my preteen self is the same advice I hope my daughter holds in mind as she enters into this momentous time in life.
“In an effort to offer her more words of wisdom, I felt compelled to write a letter to my younger self somewhat inspired by Brad Paisley’s ‘Letter to Me,’ a song he wrote to his teenage self that reflects on moments and people who shaped him as well as lessons he learned over the years.”
Dear 12-year-old me,
This world you are living in is going to change a lot between now and your adult life. The most important thing to know right now is you are a really good kid. You are kind. You follow the rules and work really hard. The next three years of school will have plenty of ups and downs, but I promise you will make it out on the other side. There are some things I want you to know as you begin the bumpy ride ahead. Read this advice every now and then, especially when you need a reminder there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Surround yourself with friends who lift you up and share your values.
Right now, some of your friends will want to talk about their latest crush while others want to talk about the newest Beanie Baby or organize their Caboodle. It’s OK to enjoy all of those things at the same time. Having different groups of friends helps you find “kindred spirits” and gain perspective along the way. One thing you’ll wish you’d done more of is notice the kind people — both girls and boys — who genuinely take an interest in talking with you and getting to know you instead of focusing on those who do not. There are so many people you’ll meet as you grow. Make space for ones who show up for you, and be sure to do the same for them.
Explore and experiment with style.
Sixth grade is a time of discovery. You’ll wear dark blue eyeshadow. You’ll over-tweeze your eyebrows. You’ll wear wild highlighter-colored cargo pants and a denim vest from Limited Too one day and then a muted A&F sweater with Tommy Hilfiger jeans another. You’ll start putting a plethora of butterfly clips in your hair when you want to feel fancy and buy a crimper with your babysitting money. It’s all part of growing up. (Although, you will likely regret the DIY hair highlighting cap you bought at the drugstore.) You do you. And never forget to wear a bra or your Caribbean Cool Teen Spirit deodorant. Your white uniform polo will thank you.
There’s a clear, definite line between being kind and being mean. Know the difference.
You can be endlessly loyal, not caring to see flaws in people you consider friends. And while your heart is often in the right place, your sensitivity makes you a very easy target. I’m here to tell you bullying and exclusion unfortunately have no age limit. Many people stay that mean, even as they get older. And while it’s oddly alluring to be part of their “clique” — especially when it seems like you’re the only one left out — these people are not your friends. They gossip. They spread rumors. They try to elevate themselves by knocking you and others down unfairly. While I want to tell you to wise up, I know many of these lessons can only be learned by experience.
“It’s normal to daydream about Leonardo DiCaprio and the cute eighth grader with the puka shell necklace you passed in the hallway. You might suddenly start having new feelings for the ‘boy next door.'”
Don’t be in a rush to “fall in love.”
It’s normal to daydream about Leonardo DiCaprio and the cute eighth grader with the puka shell necklace you passed in the hallway. You might suddenly start having new feelings for the “boy next door.” You’ll map out an elaborate fantasy where this knight in shining armor asks you to awkwardly sway to some random Babyface slow song at the school dance, sparking a Nicholas Sparks-worthy romance into high school. And while I could tell you romanticizing things will only lead you on a deluded pathway to disappointment, I know you. You’re going to do it anyway. You’ll end up burying your head into your pillow and blare Alanis Morrissette. You’ll swear you’re never going to another dance again. You will. (Believe your mom on this one; she is right about some things.)
You are so much more than your appearance.
I know life just doesn’t seem fair right now, and you are struggling big time with body image issues and anxiety. You’re always thinking, “If I weren’t so tall, if I didn’t have these zits, if I was thinner, if I only said this instead of that, if I was more outgoing.” I promise, the popular girls won’t like you more if you lost 10 pounds. And while I know being 5’4” in fifth grade didn’t exactly do wonders for your self-esteem, I promise you won’t grow another inch. (Go ahead and kiss those Rockette dreams goodbye now.)
Everyone, I mean everyone, goes through an awkward phase and develops at different rates. My hope for you is to not let your appearance define you or this time in your life. Truth be told, you’re still working on being comfortable in your own skin as an adult — most people still are. But you do get a tattoo and a cartilage piercing (like Sporty Spice!) in your late 30s.
Your worth is not defined by academic or athletic achievements.
Don’t let the high expectations you set for yourself and the sneaky demon of perfectionism consume you. You don’t need to prove yourself by getting straight As or landing a back tuck to win the approval of your parents, your coaches or your teachers. It’s OK to let your guard down and instant message your crush. Asking questions like “Do you have any fun plans for this weekend?” could lead to you hanging out at the mall with a new group of friends instead of starting over on your weaving for art class. (Trust me, the one you did already is fine; the ceramics you make later in college … not so much.) Take more time to be with people who make you laugh. Step outside your comfort zone and audition for the school musical; you’ll discover a passion and talent you never knew you had and create lifelong memories.
Keep writing and keep reading.
Right now, you write because it’s an escape from the world around you (and you like to pretend you’re Jo March in “Little Women”). You don’t even really consider yourself good at it, but you are. Writing will become an important part of your life and identity. In fact, a poem you wrote about your graduating class will grace the inside cover of your eighth grade yearbook. “Sweet Valley High” and “Baby-Sitters Club” books will line the bookshelves in your room, and you’ll eventually write your college entrance essay about the influence “Anne of Green Gables”’ had on your decision to major in English. So you’ve got to keep at it. Read different authors and explore different genres. Read stories about strong women. Read stories about events that shaped history. Ask questions. Keep being endlessly curious about people and places and passionate about your work.
“Read different authors and explore different genres. Read stories about strong women. Read stories about events that shaped history. Ask questions. Keep being endlessly curious about people and places and passionate about your work.”
Remember to breathe.
Middle school is a wonderful, exciting time. You’ll find yourself studying more and working harder while also feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the changes taking place in your life. Take a few minutes each day to slow down, close your eyes and slowly breathe in and breathe out. Write a Post-It about this, and stick it on your bedroom mirror as a reminder. Try to follow this advice before bedtime, especially, as you’ll need a clear mind for a healthy night’s sleep.
Always remember: This is just a chapter, not your whole story. Sláinte!
With all my love,
Your older self
P.S. Spend as much time with Grandma as you can. She’s the glue that holds the family together, and she’s teaching you lessons that make you the woman you are today.
