A Commentary on the Panic of American Parenthood

In a recent op ed piece in The New York Times called The Panic of American Parenthood by Pamela Druckerman, the author of Bringing Up Bebe, Ms. Druckerman makes great arguments for why America should offer a real maternity leave policy and financial support for mothers of all socioeconomic levels. I found this article compelling and important but found that it focused on the happiness and well being of mothers rather than the mental health of children. In fact I find it interesting that many of the people involved in the push for maternity leave policies are politicians, economists and journalists rather than mental health professionals.

I am a psychoanalyst and parent guidance expert who has just written a book Being There; Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters to be released by Penguin Publishing in April 2017, on the importance of a mother’s or primary caregiver’s emotional and physical presence as much as possible in the first three years to insure the emotional well being and mental health of our children.

There is real evidence of the 400% increase in mental illness in children, adolescents and adults in the last two decades as I believe to be the result of our societal focus on self-determination and materialism rather than the child centered approach prioritizing the emotional security and needs of children. And it is only rising at an alarming rate. I want to wave the red flag that our policies are not just harming mother’s happiness but harming our children. And when our children are harmed, in fact mothers and fathers cannot be happy and society is impacted negatively. Of course the well being of mothers is critical, a depressed, stressed, overworked and undervalued mother cannot be emotionally and physically available to her children which ultimately impacts the well being and mental health of her children. Children need their mothers or primary caregivers as much as possible in the first three years. More is more. The more we give them emotionally and physically in this critical period of brain development the more emotionally secure and mentally healthy they will become.

We treat children like objects in our society to be done with as we please. In fact after decades of scholarly research and clinical evidence to the contrary we have regressed to Victorian times where children were seen and not heard and the needs and desires of the adults were primary.

The main reason for a real maternity leave policy is in fact the critical importance of mothers’ physical and emotional presence to children in the first three years as much as possible for the emotional security and mental health of present and future generations.

So I love Pamela Druckerman’s article. She is a comrade in arms in a battle I am also fighting. But my approach is to frighten you as the reader, politician, journalist, employer, mother and father; to elevate your anxiety about a growing mental health crisis in our society which is out of control and which cannot be remedied unless we not only value mothering and parenting as critical in the first three years but put your money where your mouth is…

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Erica Komisar is a veteran psychoanalyst and parent-coach who has been in private practice for 25 years. A graduate of Georgetown and Columbia Universities and The New York Freudian Society, Ms Komisar is a psychological consultant bringing parenting and work/life workshops to clinics, schools, corporations and childcare settings including The Garden House School, Goldman Sachs, Shearman and Sterling and SWFS Early Childhood Center. She lives is New York City with her husband, optometrist and social entrepreneur Dr. Jordan Kassalow, and their three teenage children.