As children, many of us have been on the receiving end of passive-aggressive (or sometimes just aggressive) commentary about weight and body image. Maybe a high school soccer coach kept you on the bench until you lost a few pounds or a family member questioned why you headed back for seconds at dinner. Or maybe you were congratulated by a person in your life on your weight loss — even when that dip came from adopting an unhealthy habit (say, smoking or drug use) or facing a dangerous eating disorder.
Regardless of where the unwarranted, unprovoked commentary came from, chances are, those comments left indelible scars. That’s because just as children have an uncanny ability to show resilience, they are also soft, malleable mental sponges, fast-absorbing ideas and societal norms.
And that absorption happens a lot earlier than you might think.
“In general, children become concerned with body differences around the age of 5, but they may become aware of them much earlier,” explains Dr. Natasha Agbai, a pediatrician and weight management specialist in San Francisco. “Children are exposed to images, ideals and expectations about bodies long before they enter pre-school.”
Studies have shown that by age 10, roughly 80% of girls have been on a diet, and 50% have expressed wanting a thinner body.
“Clinically, I have seen children as young as 3 or 4 years old talk about their own and others’ weight and size in a negative way,” adds Anton Shcherbakov, cofounder of ThinkPsych and licensed clinical psychologist who treats children with autism, anxiety and other mental health conditions. “Children are like sponges at that age, and they absorb our ideas about the world and our bodies very easily.”
Granted, when it comes to talking to a child about weight at all, a parent might want to eschew the idea entirely — and that wouldn’t be an unthoughtful approach, especially if you yourself were bullied or shamed by a parent or adult as a child for your own weight and wanted to spare your youngster from that hurt.
But in such a tech-centric media culture, where children are exposed on a daily basis to commentary about weight and bodies that go beyond what they hear and see in school or on the playground, discussions about weight, obesity and body size are pretty much inevitable when parenting in 2022.
Here, experts share ways to approach discussions surrounding these sensitive subjects in a thoughtful, caring manner.
“If a child asks what causes obesity, I would explain that it’s complicated. Sometimes [this is because] of a medical issue, the food they eat or genetics. For a lot of people, it is almost impossible to lose weight.”
— ANTON SHCHERBAKOV, LICENSED CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST AND COFOUNDER OF THINKPSYCH
How should a parent talk about weight in general?
As Agbai notes, talking about specific body-related terms like “weight,” “obesity” and “overweight” with children is a definite no-no. Instead, she advises objectively saying to a child that “every person’s body is different” and that “some [people] have more weight, and others have less.” Simple as that.
Kaylee Friedman, a Los Angeles-based family psychotherapist, wholeheartedly agrees. “Parents should absolutely not discuss the concept of obese or overweight with children,” she stresses. “There is a lot of controversy around whether these terms are even medically necessary in the first place.”
Plus, as Shcherbakov adds, the reason a person’s body might be larger or smaller than the person next to them stems from a multitude of reasons. “If a child asks what causes obesity, I would explain that it’s complicated,” he says. “Sometimes [this is because] of a medical issue, the food they eat or genetics. For a lot of people, it is really hard or almost impossible to lose weight.”
When should you talk about a child’s body or weight?
All three experts we interviewed agreed — the answer to this question is pretty much never. That is, of course, they bring it up with you.
“A parent should never talk to a child about how their body looks,” says Friedman. If you do have actual, legitimate health concerns about your child (say, they’re sleeping far more than usual, are irritable or are underperforming in school), you can talk about ways to nurture a body with fuel and movement.
“But this should be communicated from a functional, rather than aesthetic place,” she adds. “The message should be: We do not care for ourselves so we look a certain way. We care for ourselves so that our bodies will function properly.”
Of course, there may come a point when a child brings up their weight to you. Here’s how to handle those particular incidents:
What to say if your child is bullied for their weight in school
“If a child has been teased related to his or her weight, a parent’s natural instinct may be to help find a solution,” explains Agbai. “This may backfire. Advice can imply that [the child] is responsible for being teased and they need to change their body to prevent it.”
Instead, suggests Agbai, acknowledge their hurt. “Let them know that weight-related teasing is unacceptable and that you’re sorry this happened to them.”
What to say if your child brings up their weight in comparison to others
Maybe they feel bigger than their other classmates or far from the images they see on social media. Again, Agbai says, don’t say they’re wrong or right. Just acknowledge their feelings.
“Name a few role models who share their same body type,” she suggests. For example, if your daughter is a full head taller than the rest of her class, consider bringing up that A-list actors and models regularly are over six feet. Or if your son’s being teased about his weight on the football team, remind him of professional NFL players who share the same build.
“Say, “I think you look great, and I am proud that you are my child,’” Agbai suggests.
How to talk about your own body to model a healthy relationship with weight
When it comes to fostering a healthy body image for your child, consider that sponge analogy. While there’s no stopping the bombardment of perfectly curated bodies and images from social media, you can change how you talk in your own household — specifically about your own body.
Here are some top tips from the experts we interviewed:
Acknowledge (and highlight) parts of your body you enjoy.
“You could say, ‘I really love my freckles!’ or ‘I am proud of my biceps, my [strength training] is paying off!’” suggests Shcherbakov.
“When a child looks at her mother, she does not see a flabby belly; she sees a comfortable lap. But if she sees her mom model body dissatisfaction, or she hears negative body talk, she learns that same behavior.”
— DR. NATASHA AGBAI, A PEDIATRICIAN AND WEIGHT MANAGEMENT SPECIALIST
But be genuine in your admiration.
“No one can say they love everything about their figure,” says Agbai. “It won’t seem genuine and kids will see right through it.” She recommends saying things like:
- “Wow, look how strong my arms are! They just lifted all those groceries!”
- “Good things my legs are strong so I can chase you!”
- “I like the way I look in this outfit. These bright colors signal that I am fun and friendly.”
- “These pants feel great on me, and I look stylish too.”
Turn an insecurity into something laughable.
Shcherbakov does this with his son. “I use my stomach as a drum,” he says. “Watch a part of your body jiggle to some music. The idea is to get away from ideas like body fat or blemishes are bad, but that our unique features make us beautiful in our own way.”
If poking fun at an insecurity isn’t your thing, express gratitude for the way a body part works.
“For example, a child might be watching her mom look in the mirror at themselves and comment, ‘My belly is so flabby,’” says Agbai. “When a child looks at her mother, she does not see a flabby belly; she sees a comfortable lap. But if she sees her mom model body dissatisfaction, or she hears negative body talk, she learns that same behavior. Imagine what she would learn if her mom instead said, ‘I am so glad my belly protected you while you were growing … my belly grew to make you!’”
Don’t moralize foods.
Try to avoid categorizing foods as high-fat, high-calorie or generally being bad or good, says Friedman. “In general, try not to talk about dieting in general in front of children.”
As for the strategies above, Agbai recommends making them regular occurrences to reap the most results. “I invite you to find a few times a week to make sure a child overhears you complimenting or accepting your body exactly the way it is,” she suggests. “Anytime you catch yourself about to say something negative, remember, little ears are likely listening and learning.”
