It’s about damn time we cleared this up: All mothers are working moms. Whether you have a career and work outside your home, hold a remote position and work remotely, and yes, even if you are the primary caregiver for your family and work inside your home, you are a “working mom.”
It’s time we collectively say “no” to harmful narratives that divide us and have empathy for all of the nuances that exist within our individual experiences of motherhood.
No matter what work looks like for you, the pressure is on
I may currently work from home, but previously, I was a stay-at-home mom. Both roles are incredibly hard. So is working outside the home.
Shortly after having my first child, I became his primary caregiver. New motherhood is hard enough, but I didn’t anticipate — and was not prepared for — the identity struggles I would experience in this transition. I didn’t anticipate the shame I would feel seeing the glazed over look in someone’s eyes whenever they asked, “So what do you do?” and I replied, “I stay home and take care of my son.”
But I quickly realized becoming a mom that everyone — from a stranger in the grocery store to your own family members — has an opinion on how you should be mothering.
Worst of all is the contention that is constantly drummed up around the level of “work” moms are doing. It feels in a way that, after becoming a mom, society pushes us on to this hamster wheel of comparison. There’s an endless influx of messages, coming at us from all angles, which aim to convince us that we’re not measuring up — to one another or an unrealistic ideal dictated by society. It’s a race that no one can ever win, because it reduces us to a shell of our experiences.
While the struggles differ for mothers who work in an office, remotely or in the home, the overall labor that they’re putting in continues to be undervalued.
How mothers’ labor has always been undervalued
While the struggles differ for mothers who work in an office, remotely or in the home, the overall labor that they put in continues to be undervalued.
Despite it being 2022, moms continue to be expected to shoulder the lion’s share of child-rearing, household management and the mental load of both. Yet, because this work is technically unpaid, so society doesn’t deem it materially valuable. The truth: Salary.com estimates that in 2020-2021, stay-at-home mothers worked an average of 106 hours per week, which would add up to a fair-market annual salary equivalent of nearly $185K.
The pandemic threw a harsh spotlight on this very real struggle of maintaining home, kids and work. For more than two years now, women have contended with job losses, increased child care duties and an even more disproportionate share of the labor at home. It’s no wonder that, according to an analysis by the National Women’s Law Center of the latest U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics report, from February 2020 to January 2022, 1.1 million women left the workforce, accounting for 63% of all jobs lost.
What it will take to move forward
We all grapple with the identity shifts, the loss of our sense of self, the burnout, the mental and physical struggles. Seven years ago, when I first became a mother, we weren’t openly talking about this reality. I’m glad that there has since been a shift. Consider the fact that Britney Spears announced her pregnancy and shared about her past experience with perinatal depression. Gabrielle Union has spoken openly about the grief she faced with infertility and surrogacy. Conversations like these are crucial and remind us that there’s not only one acceptable path or gold standard when it comes to mothering.
Motherhood is transformative, but it’s also isolating. It’s easy to feel siloed in our experiences. However, when we talk about what we’re going through, when we share what “working” looks like for each of us, when we invite other moms to the conversation, rather than dividing and shutting each other out, we have the opportunity to set a whole new standard — one that’s equally nuanced and real.
