When you’re in the thick of parenthood or caregiving, it can be hard to block out criticism, whether internal or external. And while there’s no manual for raising kids or caring for a loved one, it’s helpful to hear from our elders on the learnings they picked up along the way.
People always say hindsight is 20/20, and it’s easy to see why. Time gives us the space and grace to look back on most situations with gentler eyes. There’s no unsolicited advice here — just introspection from Black older adults, many of them grandparents, on the life lessons they’ve garnered and would want to share with their younger selves and now-grown children.
1. Focus on the present
“As the mom of two amazing women and a grandmother of two awesome girls, I would tell my younger self to stress way less, enjoy the journey way more,” says Juana, 65, from View Park, California. And don’t freak out when you don’t feel like the perfect caregiver, she emphasizes.
“Don’t worry so much about the future,” advises Juana. Instead, focus on what you can do right now, at the moment, to support and nurture loved ones along the path of growth.
“Seeking help is key. Don’t shy away from reaching out, and allow yourself to accept the help when offered.”
—Renee from Phoenix
2. Your loved one knows you have their best interest at heart
“Caregiving for someone who can’t care for themselves takes an emotional and physical toll,” shares Lisa, 62, from Phoenix. “You have so much love for this person and will do anything to help them, but it hurts to see them like this — it weighs heavy on your heart. To have to make decisions on their behalf, hoping that it is what they wanted is stressful. You just have to hope, in their hearts, that they know you are doing the best you can and that all you wanted was the best for them.”
3. Lean on your support system
Renee, 72, from Phoenix, Arizona, shares that she moved to the area because she had family there, when her senior mother wanted to live in a warmer climate. “I cannot express how crucial it is knowing you have a support system,” she notes. “I found support through family, friends and my faith. I also always tried to keep a sense of humor.”
She adds, “Seeking help is key. Don’t shy away from reaching out and allow yourself to accept the help when offered.”
4. Prioritize self-care
Morgan, 64, from Fontana, California wishes she could tell herself that through the tremendous responsibility of caregiving, it’s crucial to take time out for yourself.
“Self-care is very important,” she says. “You will always try to do better than your mom, but you will never be perfect.”
Ultimately, “having a spiritual foundation has guided me through everything in life,” notes Morgan — and that’s something she’s proud to have instilled in her children and grandchildren.
5. Be kind to yourself
Theresa, 77, from Phoenix, Arizona says that life is tough for parents and caregivers these days. That said, she advises, “Do the best you can, and don’t beat yourself up.”
6. Don’t underestimate the power of a simple hug
For the sandwich caregivers out there juggling caring for a loved one and raising your children: “Don’t underestimate the power of a mother’s hug and a kiss to bring peace and comfort,” says Teresa, 63, from Union, New Jersey. “Children love unconditionally.”
She suggests cherishing special moments together reading books, playing games, singing and dancing together or watching a favorite movie.
“Encourage their creativity, and applaud even their smallest achievements or milestones,” says Teresa. “And do not try to overcompensate with gifts when all they really want is to spend time with you.”
“Celebrate the small wins too. You don’t always have to be thinking: ‘What’s next?’ It’s OK to sit in the moment.”
— Iquo from Upland, California
7. Turn to mindfulness and gratitude
“You must restore your soul every day,” shares Cherie, 55, from Atlanta, Georgia. “Practice some form of mindfulness and gratitude daily, however that looks for you — whether it’s praying or meditating, singing or dancing.”
She also stresses the importance of adding yourself to the list of to-dos. “As you are scheduling school pickups and practices, making the grocery list, washing clothes, writing that proposal, paying the monthly bills, etc., schedule yourself on that list, and take 30 minutes to an hour daily for your own self-care and mental health.”
8. There is no rule book
Michelle, 64, from Dover, Delaware advises parents and grandparents in particular, “You can only do the very best you can for your children and grandchildren. You can only provide the very best you can, and you can only teach the very best you can with the hope that they will take whatever you’ve given them — instilled in them — and it will help them to flourish into something greater for their own children.”
9. Know that life doesn’t have to be perfect to be good
“As someone with a Type A personality, the struggle with perfectionism was huge for me,” reflects Iquo, 68, from Upland, California. “But everything doesn’t have to be perfect. Life doesn’t have to be perfect for it to be good.”
“It’s hindsight,” she muses. “I’d tell my younger self it’s OK to relax and not be so hard on myself and those around me. Also, celebrate the small wins too. You don’t always have to be thinking: ‘What’s next?’ It’s OK to sit in the moment, instead of thinking it could have been this or could have been that.”
10. Love and appreciate who you are now
When you’re young, there’s self-doubt and a sharp inner critic that can cause you to not see the beautiful person you are inside and out, notes Lila, 74, from Stevenson Ranch, California. “Remember to celebrate yourself in the here and now,” she advises.
11. See your children for who each of them are as individuals
Cynthia, 69, from Pikeville, South Carolina, has two daughters who are nine years apart.
“Both of them beautiful and smart, but that’s where the similarities end,” she muses. “I quickly learned that my pride in having raised a wonderful 9-year-old had nothing to do with me because whatever I did wasn’t working the second time around!”
She adds, “I was raising two individual spirits who needed me to see each one for who she was.”
It’s also important to remember that practice doesn’t make perfect when it comes to parenting; each day you’re learning and growing.
“You don’t have to do everything asked of you by family, friends or community. Learn to say ‘no’ and only say ‘yes’ when it’s something you really want to do.”
—Kathleen from Houston
12. Not everything is a crisis
Kathleen, 69, says she’s learned to relax. “Breathing is a lost art and is very beneficial when you are in the middle of chaos,” shares the Houston, Texas resident.
She adds that learning to set boundaries is important in helping to manage the load that can add to these feelings of chaos. “You don’t have to do everything asked of you by family, friends or community,” advises Kathleen. “Learn to say ‘no’ and only say ‘yes’ when it’s something you really want to do.”
13. Teach your kids to have faith in themselves
As the mother of two young boys who are now men, Vivien, 75, from Northridge, California, says she’s always wanted her sons to believe and trust in themselves. “It was important that they learn to never be fearful of how someone else may perceive or judge them,” she notes.
14. Promote freedom of expression
Celestine, 76, grew up in an environment where children were seen and not heard. “My hope is that this current generation is able to foster freedom of expression for their children,” says the Jacksonville, Florida native. “That they are able to create space for children to inquire, challenge and just be curious about people, the world and who they are as a person.”
Celestine says that if she was able to go back and do anything over, she would want her children to be able to talk to her about anything — “to be open to discussing anything about life and the world around them.”
15. Don’t play the comparison game
Linda, a youthful senior who describes herself as a “spicy tomato,” says, “We wear a lot of hats as mothers. We carry a ton of baggage, and sometimes, we just need to take off our shoes, put on a pair of fuzzy slippers and rest.”
The Shaker Heights, Ohio resident shares that there’s always tomorrow, so stop comparing yourself to other women who seemingly have it all together. “And don’t compare your kids,” she adds. “They came out of the womb being who they are going to be.”
16. No one is an island
Erna, 73, of Pasadena, California, says she likes to think of life like a book — there are times when it is easy and times when it is tiresome. “It is vital for us to remember that no man or woman is an island,” she shares. “We need others in our lives.” Family, friends and the caring people in our lives will help to pave the way as we move forward.
