When it comes to parenting multiple kids, there’s one rule most parents try to stick to: Don’t play favorites. Despite parents’ best efforts to always be fair and to love all of their children in the exact same way, it’s actually not that uncommon for moms and dads to have a “favorite.” Recently, actress Jaime Pressly admitted this dirty little secret in a post on her Instagram page and ignited a firestorm that has many parents taking sides.
“Best time ever hangin with my favorite son, Dezi,” Pressly wrote in her post. “That’s right I said it. I have a favorite son although I luv [sic] all 3 of my boys with everything I have in me. Dez and I have a special bond that no one else will ever match because we’ve grown up together.”
The post sparked an immediate backlash, with fans leaving comments on the post like, “My mom had a favorite and she never said but I always knew. Glad she didn’t say it.”
Another person added, “I really truly hope that this is not how you really feel. If so, why use social media to make your other children feel bad? Please tell me this is a joke. Signed, 1 of 6. Not the favorite.”
The post was even brought up a few days later when Pressly paid a visit to the daytime show “The Talk.” On the episode, she doubled down on her comments, saying, “I was just being honest. I mean, look, I love, like I said, all three of my boys, but the two little ones are twins and they’re turning 2 tomorrow, so the 12-year-old is my favorite. All three of my boys are my favorite for different reasons. But when it comes to, like, traveling on a plane, 12-year-old [is] my favorite. When it comes to dressing yourself, he can dress himself. They [the twins] don’t even know how to say ‘shirt.’”
It’s all too easy for parents to judge each other for speaking up this way on a topic that seems so taboo, but Pressly isn’t alone. In 2015, a study by researchers from Brigham Young University and Pennsylvania State University showed that about 48% of parents have what’s referred to as “firstborn bias,” meaning they think more highly of their firstborn child’s intelligence and level of competence. And in 2006, a longitudinal study out of the University of California-Davis found that about 74% of moms and 70% of dads self-reported preferential treatment toward one of their children over the others.
Before you get visions of Cinderella waiting on her stepsisters, rest assured that having a “favorite” child doesn’t necessarily mean parents care about one child more than the others.
As Tracy Asamoah, M.D., wrote for Psychology Today, “Typically, favoritism has little to do with loving one child more. It is more about how your personality resonates with one child’s personality more than the other’s.”
That said, even parents who acknowledge these personality differences may be reluctant to use the “f-word” (favorite) to talk about their kids. Meredith Ethington, a Utah mom of three and an editor at Filter Free Parents, tells Care.com that she definitely has a child who’s more similar to her than the others, but she doesn’t think of him as her favorite.
“I feel like I have a kid that I understand more than my other two,” she says. “He’s also most like me. There is a connection there because of that, for sure. But I feel like all of my kids equally enamor me, just in different ways.”
Serena Dorman, a Washington mom of two and the voice behind the popular website Mommy Cusses, tells Care.com she does not have a favorite child either, but she does believe that parenting experiences can be different with different children.
“Along with looks, parts of my personality were passed down in different ways, and I see that in my kids,” Dorman says. “Some things and activities are easier or more fun when it’s with one child versus the other. My son is chill and down for anything. My daughter is difficult to take places and a spitfire.”
Still, she says, how each family acknowledges and expresses those differences is up to them.
“As a sibling myself, I personally would have been really hurt hearing that my parents had a favorite child,” she says. “But we all do this parenting thing differently. I think as long as all your kids feel loved and celebrated for their differences, it’s fine to joke that you have a favorite child.”
