Here’s a scenario that most toddler parents and caregivers almost never find themselves in: You’re at the park with your little one, and it’s time to leave. “Come on, sweetie! Time to go!” you say, and immediately they scurry over to you and everyone is on their merry way with nary a whimper or complaint.
Fantasy? Pretty much. For most parents and caregivers, there’s, at the very least, some sort of pushback from kids after instructing them to wrap up what they’re playing in order to head home. And depending on the kid, “pushback” may or may not be a euphemism for “meltdown” or “high-speed chase.”
“It is difficult for toddlers to leave places when they are having fun because it’s hard to transition, especially when stopping a preferred activity in order to do something less fun, such as leaving a park to go home,” says Miller Shivers, staff psychologist at the Pritzker Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Health at Lurie Children’s Hospital in Chicago. “Typically, toddlers have no problem transitioning to a more fun activity, such as leaving somewhere to go get ice cream, but stopping an activity they’re engrossed in and enjoying in order to do something less fun can cause tantrums and defiance.”
“It is difficult for toddlers to leave places when they are having fun because it’s hard to transition, especially when stopping a preferred activity in order to do something less fun, such as leaving a park to go home.”
— MILLER SHIVERS, STAFF PSYCHOLOGIST
Transition meltdowns may be innate in toddlers and little kids, but with some knowledge and a few tips, there are ways to assuage them or even banish them for good. Here’s how.
Why is it so hard for toddlers to leave places?
While you probably don’t need to cajole your child into leaving, say, the doctor’s office, there’s a good chance your requests to leave a trampoline park are met with some protest. Annoying? Yes. But also, makes sense.
“We’re more like our kids than we realize,” says Beth Tyson, psychotherapist specializing in childhood trauma in Media, Pennsylvania. “Remember what it feels like for you to leave somewhere you love or what it feels like to be interrupted by your child when you are in a meaningful conversation with a friend. It feels irritating, unjust and frustrating. Our children feel the same way when we interrupt their play to leave the park.” And play, after all, is what they do best.
“Remember what it feels like for you to leave somewhere you love or what it feels like to be interrupted by your child when you are in a meaningful conversation with a friend. It feels irritating, unjust and frustrating. Our children feel the same way when we interrupt their play to leave the park.”
— BETH TYSON, PSYCHOTHERAPIST
“Play is a critical component of healthy childhood development,” Tyson adds. “It’s the child version of ‘flow,’ which is when we’re doing an activity we love so much that we lose track of time.” Tovah Klein, who holds her doctorate in clinical and developmental psychology and is director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development and author of “How Toddlers Thrive,” reiterates this, explaining that toddlers “live in the moment” with no real sense of time. “When they’re having fun, it’s all they know at the moment, so turning it off is nearly impossible.”
Is this normal behavior?
While the “intensity and frequency” with which kids protest will vary by temperament and circumstance, the procrastination or downright refusal to leave somewhere is “very typical in toddlers,” according to Shivers.
In addition to not wanting their flow disrupted, toddlers may also be seeing what they can and can’t get away with when they ignore parents’ or caregivers’ requests to leave. “One of the main tasks for toddlers is asserting their independence from their caregivers,” Tyson explains. “They want to see what happens when they oppose the adults in their life. They are asking the question ‘Am I safe?’ with their behavior.”
“While children need us to be loving, they also need us to be confident and firm about our decisions to feel safe and secure,” Tyson continues. “This boundary-pushing is a developmental learning experience for the child, which teaches them how safe they are, how much control they have and whether or not they can trust your word.”
“While children need us to be loving, they also need us to be confident and firm about our decisions to feel safe and secure.”
— BETH TYSON
Put another way: Your kiddo isn’t just testing your patience when they do this, they’re testing your authority. No pressure.
Why do some toddlers cry, tantrum, hide or make a run for it when it’s time to go?
No toddler wants to be told they have to stop doing something fun, but some will have stronger reactions than others. On one end of the spectrum, there are the toddlers who will begrudgingly shuffle over to their grownup, and on the other, some will outright refuse, making a scene in the process.
“When a child does not want the fun to end, they may try delay after delay,” Klein says. “Run and chase is fun, and it means they don’t have to leave and their fun is prolonged.”
“When my son was 3, I used to have a talk with him before going to the park. I’d tell him how long we were going to stay, how he had to leave when it was time and what we would do when we came home,” says mom of two Emily MacCoss of Chicago. “Every time, though, he still ran away from me when I told him we had to leave. Eventually, I realized that he was having fun when I was chasing after him!”
When does this behavior generally end?
Klein notes that “each year of development gets a bit more reasonable, slowly.” “Toddlers are also slowly getting to understand that something else comes next,” she explains. “As this develops, giving them a bit of a schedule of what is happening can help them move on, though keep in mind, 2- and 3-year-olds are particularly poor at this.”
Tyson notes that this habit typically ends around elementary school age, though “children with a history of trauma, mental health challenges or developmental delays may take more time.”
All of this said, Shivers says that this frustrating behavior can end earlier (or at least get better) when “caregivers set firm limits and are consistent.”
How to help toddlers with transitions when it’s time to go
Each child is different, making trial and error essential, but the following are tips for grownups to try when it’s time to leave:
1. Set firm limits, be consistent and follow through
Easier said than done? Yes. But if you stand your ground, it may be the end of toddler transition meltdowns. “Start by telling your child your expectations before you go somewhere,” Shivers says. “Say: ‘We are going to the park. I expect you to play and have fun. I will tell you five more minutes to warn you when it is time to leave. When you leave respectfully (no crying and screaming), we can color when we get home [or another reward].’”
2. Keep expectations low
Your friend’s child may leave as soon as they say it’s time, but generally, that’s not the norm for toddlers, so have a realistic idea of what may ensue. “When you understand that leaving is hard and you keep your expectations low, it can help,” Klein explains. “You’re preparing yourself for it to be hard, instead of getting frustrated that things aren’t going as planned. You can start with: ‘I have bad news (this gives them a heads up). One last choice and then we have to go.’ Or make it more specific by saying something like: ‘Last time down the slide, and then I will race you to your scooter.’”
3. Be empathetic
“Empathize with your child,” Shivers says. “Tell them: “It is hard to leave the park because it is fun,’ but be firm and say it’s time to go and give another time that they can come to the park.”
Shivers adds that there’s a good chance your child will be upset when you set a firm limit (particularly if they’re not used to them). However, she says, “if you stay firm and consistent, they will learn that you mean what you say and after a few experiences, they will comply more easily.” Also, keep in mind, you’re doing them a disservice by not setting limitations.
“Genuine empathy for the child’s experience combined with firm boundaries is a learning opportunity for the child,” Tyson explains. “Children need to experience disappointment in life. It doesn’t help to give in and let our guilt get in the way of children sometimes experiencing distress. Age-appropriate stress and disappointment are critical for children to overcome challenges down the road, like starting kindergarten, experiencing the loss of a loved one or not making the basketball team. Think of mild to moderate stress like lifting weights for emotional strength. It doesn’t always feel good at the time, but it builds up emotional muscles for the future.”
4. Set a time limit
Try using a timer on your phone, Tyson suggests. “Remind the child that they have three to five minutes left to play, and then turn your timer on,” she says. “Make sure the timer is not on silent. It will be more effective for the child to hear the alarm going off. Also, this gradually helps them develop a sense of time. The first several times you use a timer with your little one, they might not even know what three minutes feels like, but over time they will, which will help them build awareness of passing time, making it easier to compromise with them.”
5. Offer low-stakes rewards
You can’t — nor do you want to — offer a big ticket item, like ice cream, every time you’re trying to get your child to climb down from the monkey bars. But! You can incentivize them with small things for a job well done. “Adding a reward for transitioning respectfully is a good motivator,” Shivers says. “Be specific and say: ‘When you leave the park after daddy tells you two more trips down the slide with no crying or screaming, you can have a piggyback ride home.’”
6. Provide choices and explain why you need to leave
“For example, say: ‘Grandma is waiting for us. You know what it’s like to wait, it’s not easy. Should we walk fast or slow, so Grandma doesn’t have to wait too long?’” Tyson says.
7. Make leaving fun
If there’s one thing kids are hard-pressed to resist, it’s fun, so try adding that to transitions. “Race to the car, hop like a bunny and remind them of a toy waiting for them in the car,” Tyson says. “If it feels like fun to leave, they will likely do it.”
8. Be silly
“Kids love to see their parents being playful and silly. It’s incredibly motivating for them,” Tyson says. “Say: ‘Let’s fart to the car’ and then make farting noises together. It sounds ridiculous, but these things work!” Tyson notes that for kids over 3, you can also give silly options of leaving, such as crawling, skipping or hopping on one foot.
9. Scoop them up if you have to
“If a child cannot leave, despite all your efforts, scoop them up and remind them that it’s hard to leave — this is empathy — and tell them you’ll come back soon,” Klein says. “Rather than expecting them to enjoy leaving, think of yourself as ushering them out.”
“If a child refuses to cooperate, share a time you didn’t want to leave the playground,” Tyson adds. “Share your truth with them that it doesn’t feel good to be told what to do. Then, with love and acceptance for how they feel, pick them up and say: ‘I won’t let you run away from me,’ which is more compassionate than ‘stop it right now,’ and physically carry them out. You may feel guilty or embarrassed for doing this, but see it as the most loving thing you can do for a child who is showing you they are unable to leave peacefully at the moment.”
10. Be genuine
Whether you’re using empathy or humor, try to be as genuine as possible, even though the situation can be frustrating. The reason? Kids can tell if you’re masking anger. “Put yourself in their shoes and think about what it feels like when someone tells you what to do,” Tyson explains. “It’s usually not enjoyable and often results in an adult tantrum. So give your child some grace, some choices in the matter and hold firm to your word. And in those times when all else fails, chocolate donut bribes are always an option. We can’t be perfect parents all the time, but we can try.”
