By Liz O’Donnell
I heard about parenting all the time: “Your life completely changes when you become a parent,” my friends would tell me. “You won’t be that into work or parties. You’ll be exhausted and you’ll wear your heart on your sleeve.” Thanks to my girlfriends, I was as prepared as one can be for motherhood and the responsibility of caring for a new life. But what I never heard about was caregiving for my parents; not a single friend warned me.
If you’re like me, you go about your life working, raising kids, binge-watching shows on Netflix, maybe calling your mother every day, maybe justifying why you don’t. And then, bam! One day, you realize you are not just your parents’ daughter or son, you are also their caregiver. And you realize that life as you once knew it has been completely altered. To help prepare you for arguably one of the most challenging responsibilities you will have, here are five ways eldercare can change your life.
- Strangers become your closest friends.
The life of a caregiver can be pretty lonely. You’re so busy juggling your job, your parents’ needs, often your children’s’ needs and doctor’s appointments, that there isn’t a lot of time for socializing. And even if you do find the time for a girl’s night out or golf with friends, who really wants to hear about your father’s advancing dementia? Luckily, there are lots of support groups, both in person and online, where you can get encouragement, understanding and answers to your toughest caregiving questions. I’ll never forget the relief and support I felt after I posted about my stress in an online forum and a complete stranger wrote back, “I know just how you feel.”
“No one can possibly understand the daily conflicts, the emotional, physical and financial toll until they are the caregiver,” says Nicole Solvible, a member of an online support group for caregivers. “While having a baby is life-changing, you know the baby will grow up and go to school within a fixed period of time. Conversely, when an elder relative is facing an incurable or long-term health crisis, there is no timeline and it is so hard on all family members involved. Solace comes from those similarly situated.”
2. You finally understand why Oprah is always talking about gratitude.
When my parents were hospitalized at the same time in two different hospitals, I would sometimes grow resentful that my life had been hijacked by not one, but two illnesses. I was worried that my negativity would eventually make me sick, too, so I forced myself to identify one good thing about my life every day. And it helped! Sometimes what was good was simply the fact that I could afford to buy a strong cup of coffee on my way to the hospital. If you train yourself to find something good in every situation, it can buoy you through a challenging day.
- Your cell phone addiction puts a teenager’s to shame.
Before I became a caregiver, I used to judge people who kept their cell phones on tables in restaurants or in meetings. But when my parents got sick, I became that person. I even slept with my phone, fully charged, under my pillow at night. If there was an emergency, I needed to be available. Amy Henke, of St. Louis, Missouri, knows what I’m talking about. “Now that I am a primary caregiver to my elderly parent, I no longer feel like I can ever be out of reach. My cell is always on,” she says.
- Spontaneity is dead.
On our 20th wedding anniversary, my husband prepared a surprise dinner for the two of us — but I never showed up. My father had just moved into a memory care facility, and I was there helping him get acclimated. Eldercare is a logistical feat. There is always something more to be done for our parents — whether it’s helping them adjust to new surroundings, running to the pharmacy to pick up a new prescription, calling the insurance company to question a medical bill or driving them to visit other family members. This is no time for surprise parties or unplanned romantic dinners. You can still have fun, you just need to plan in advance. Read “Yes, you can take a vacation- even if you’re caring for aging parents. Here’s how.”
- Your relationship with your parent breaks open your heart.
I always got along with my mother. Still, we had our share of typical mother-daughter tension. She had her opinions, and I had mine. My opinions could feel like rebukes of her motherly advice, and her opinions sometimes felt judgmental to me. But when she became ill and nearing the end of her life, opinions no longer mattered because trivial things no longer mattered. We just focused on being together and loving each other — and it was beautiful. And as our relationships with our parents evolve, it carries through to other relationships in our lives. Merrill Bergenfeld, of New York, says of caregiving, “It opened my heart for more love and compassion.”
Liz is the founder of Working Daughter, a community for women balancing eldercare, career and more. For caregiving support, information and resources contact a Senior Care Advisor at Care.com. We are master’s-level social workers specializing in adult and senior care. Call us today at (855) 781-1303 x3 or email questions to careplanning@care.com
