Kids, are you in the market for a surefire way to annoy mom and dad?
We’re not talking about the average level of annoyed they get when you do something like paint the dog or accidentally download $50-worth of games on their smartphone. We’re talking about the Holy Grail of obnoxious things you can do to REALLY get under their skin.
If you’re the kind of kid who lies awake at night pondering the best approach with which to drive them completely insane, good news! You need look no further, for I have the answers you seek. Here are 20 tips for really annoying things you can do to get a rise out of your parents — and get a good giggle for yourself, too!
Tip #1
If you know Mom or Dad is cooking dinner, walk into the kitchen with a disgusted look on your face. When one of them makes eye contact with you, be sure to say, “What smells so bad?”
Tip #2
When you take your clothes off, leave them in a trail throughout the house.
Start by leaving each sock in two different rooms (or better yet, different floors of the house). The same goes for shoes.
Also, don’t ever put dirty clothing in the hamper. Next to the hamper is acceptable — but never, EVER inside of it. That’s just letting them win.
Tip #3
When Mom or Dad offers you something healthy to eat, you must refuse.
Even if they try to make it more appealing by slathering it in peanut butter, sprinkling it with some cinnamon sugar or serving it with a side of ranch, don’t fall for it. Dry heave or gag if you must.
Just don’t give in.
Tip #4
When they tell you to wash your hands, be very quick and make sure to only get your fingertips wet. And for goodness sake, don’t use soap!
(Bonus points if you can figure out how to get your hands dirtier as you leave the bathroom than they were when you went in.)
Tip #5
At bedtime, try to push them for ten more minutes. Argue. Give it your all.
You may even want to say something like, “Wait till I die — I just got to a new level,” or “At the next commercial!”
Do this every. single. night.
Tip #6
If you have a sibling, fight with him or her whenever possible: in the car, during commercials, at restaurants, when Grandma and Grandpa come over — you get the drift. It almost doesn’t matter where, just as long as you do it — and you do it often.
It can be verbal, physical or both — your choice. Phrases like: “He started it,” “Shut up” and “Get off!” are good go-tos if you want a quick way to get the ball rolling.
Tip #7
If you’re a boy, be careless when peeing. Get a good portion of it on the seat, and maybe even add a spritz or two to the floor for good measure.
Don’t clean it up, and DEFINITELY don’t put the toilet seat down. There’s a very, very good chance that Mom won’t realize that the seat’s still up and will come close to falling in. Can you say “splash hit”?
Tip #8
If you’re a girl, tell Mom or Dad — or both, if you’re feeling ambitious — that what they’re wearing is in no way stylish or acceptable, and suggest a change of clothes.
And don’t forget about their hair, too!
Tip #9
Do not, under any circumstance, accept responsibility for anything. Always blame someone else — preferably your brother or sister.
The dog also works, in case of an emergency.
Tip #10
When your teacher gives you important papers to bring home, crinkle them up and shove in the bottom of your backpack.
For extra points — and extra fun — loosen the top of your water bottle or thermos so that they leak when they’re on their sides. Put them in your backpack, too, along with any fruit you didn’t eat at lunch. Make sure you put something heavy on top of the fruit — a couple books will do — so that the fruit gets squished. That way, you’ll make a nice little paper soup at the bottom of your bag by the time you get home!
Tip #11
When you finally get that toy or video game that you’ve been begging for, don’t play it for more than a month.
Then, put it aside in a highly visible spot. Let it sit there unused as a reminder to Mom and Dad of the money they wasted on it.
Tip #12
Put food away without closing the package, especially for foods that get stale REALLY fast. This works great for things like cereal, pretzels and chips.
If you’ve mastered this, take it to the next level: leave the food in your room for the dog to find later.
Tip #13
Use the word “no” often.
“Not right now,” “Why?!” and “But . . . [fill in the blank]” also work well.
Tip #14
When Mom or Dad asks you to shower, politely decline the offer as you remind them that you showered the night before. When they point out the visible dirt on your body, simply insist that you’ll wipe it off with a paper towel or rag.
That’s what they’re there for, right?
Tip #15
When you call for them from another room, don’t give them a chance to respond. Just keep yelling for them, incessantly.
Tip #16
After one of your parents has gone food shopping, be sure to eat all of the snacks within the first 24–48 hours.
Then, on Day Three, log your first (of many) complaints about the lack of food in the house.
Tip #17
When you brush your teeth (that is, if you get around to brushing your teeth), leave the toothpaste tube on its side with the cap off so that it gushes out onto the sink or countertop. Also, don’t rinse your toothbrush when you’re done.
Tip #18
When you get a bad grade in school, say it’s not your fault. Remind your parents that your teacher is awful and smells weird, then list all of your friends who got worse grades than you.
Tip #19
When Mom or Dad asks if you’d like them to chaperone your next field trip, say, “No way!!!” and move on.
Tip #20
Leave any and all undesirable items in your parents’ car. Personally, I’d recommend that you leave some chicken nuggets, a dirty sock (just one) and maybe even some chunks of dirt from the bottom of your cleats.
If you have extra time to kill while riding to or from some event, you should also try to create some mysterious stains on the car seats. Get creative about the ingredients you use so you can make the stains’ origins completely unrecognizable.
