The process of applying to jobs is already stressful enough. Between all the applications you have to fill out (whoddathunk that we’d miss the Common App?), all the resumes/cover letters you have to tailor to each company and role, and all the anxiety of waiting to hear back, this process can put some serious wear and tear on your sanity — and your self-confidence. And that’s just the first part.
Then, there are the interviews. You spend hours and hours cooking up any and all questions that an interviewer could possibly think of to ask you. Finally, you make it to the interview itself and, if you prepped well enough, you find out that all that angsting and worrying was for naught. You’re killing it!
But, for women, there’s one interview question that we invariably get asked that we’re never really prepared for — one that has the potential to destroy everything you’ve worked and prepped for:
Do you have any kids? Do you want to have kids?”
Unfortunately, it’s a question that far too many women get asked, and one that rightfully takes us aback if we hear it come out of an interviewer’s mouth.
And, according to Jacquelyn Smith of Business Insider, it’s a question that no interviewer has any business asking you in the first place. As Smith points out, the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has said that such questions “are frequently used to discriminate against women and may violate Title VII if used to deny or limit employment opportunities.” It may be asked innocently enough by an (unexperienced) interviewer trying to make polite conversation, but more often than not, it’s actually used to determine how “dedicated’ an employee you’ll be. And that’s illegal.
That being said, this still doesn’t keep some interviewers from asking it. So, Smith asked Lynn Taylor, a national workplace expert, to share any advice she had for women who find themselves in this situation.
Her general message? It’s none of their business, so avoid answering it. And here are her 7 tips for doing that in a gracious and professional way:
1) Rephrase the Question to Emphasize Your Commitment.
Taylor explains:
Perhaps you’re asking if I’m focused on my work, can travel, or handle late hours. I can tell you that I have a very strong work ethic, regardless of what happens in my family life, and feel I can contribute a lot, particularly in the [xyz] area. I would like to know more about your goals for xyz.”
2) Inquire Further for a Better Understanding of the Inquiry.
Taylor explains:
“That’s an interesting question, but maybe you can help me understand why it might be important. I guess I’ve never been asked that before, but I want to know what matters in this position.”
3) Respond in a Vague Way That Addresses Your Ability to Do the Job.
Taylor explains:
I try to keep business and personal matters like that separate. I don’t think that my family life would ever affect my ability to do an excellent job here.”
4) But Whatever You Do, Don’t Flat-out Answer It.
Smith elaborated on this point:
Unless you’re 100% comfortable answering this question, don’t. Taylor says by answering questions about your family, you run the risk of sabotaging yourself during the interview or later on…You may unwittingly limit your chances of future advancement by sharing too much about your personal family life, she adds.”
5) Don’t Be Confrontational.
Taylor explains:
In general, you want to manage the conversation diplomatically to your own advantage, but also determine if the company offers the kind of workplace you want to join.”
6) Avoid Becoming Overly Emotional or Combative.
You may want to react defensively and say things like, “I don’t want to talk about my private life,” but, according to Taylor:
You’ll accomplish more by being tactful and friendly, but firm.”
7) Use the Opportunity to Learn More About the Employer.
Smith elaborated on this point as well:
Remember that interviews are a two-way street. No matter how you decide to answer the question, notice how the hiring manager responds. Whether they press the issue or quickly back off, you’ll know ‘if you’re stepping into an intrusive Lion’s den or an upbeat, professional atmosphere where discrimination is unlikely,’ says Taylor. If you get a sense that the company is too invasive, follow your gut and move on.”
Just remember that these interviewers have no right to know whether you want kids or not. If you get asked this question, take the high road and try to find out the specific intent behind their question. You have the power, here, so don’t be afraid to use it!
