When you’re a single parent, how often do you think of pursuing your own personal happiness? Honoree Corder, author and creator of The Successful Single Mom, recognizes the tendency of the single parent to always put their kids’ happiness first and foremost, but she stresses that by prioritizing your own happiness once in a while can lead all single parents to “have extraordinary lives.” She revealed to Care.com who she leaned on as a single mother to her daughter, how she’s learned to re-prioritize her life, and how finding love has created a win-win situation for her family.
Single parenting can be especially tough because as a parent, you get stretched so thin. How are you making it work for yourself and for your kid(s)?
I was ruthless with my time: I worked for myself, so I worked only when my daughter was at school.
How do you manage to get alone time?
Without an involved father, I had to rely on play dates and “alone time” when my daughter was asleep. Eventually, I was able to afford an assistant, who was also a single mom, and we relied on each other to watch the kids to do things that needed to be done, and not done.
How do you achieve balance as a single parent?
I say “no” a lot! I prioritize and re-prioritize, always making sure that the most important things stay the most important things: my daughter, my sanity, my work, my friends and family. I sometimes think balance is a myth. Sometimes I’m more family-focused, other times I’m more business-focused. I do my best to always make my daughter rise to the top.
What are some of the childcare challenges that present themselves to single parents? Have you faced your own?
Everything about childcare is a challenge for single parents — who is going to watch the kids when I have an early-morning meeting, an evening meeting, I need to travel? I hired a single mom who helped me take care of my daughter when I traveled; sometimes she stayed with other friends. When you know your kids are cared for, you can relax and focus. Otherwise, it’s a nightmare and there’s always an internal conflict about what the right thing to do is.
Do you find dating to be a challenge? What advice might you give to a single parent who might be ready to try out the dating scene again?
I wrote all about these topics in The Successful Single Mom Finds Love! Dating is a challenge because you’re already in love with your kids. You desire companionship and someone to share the journey, yet there’s always a tinge of guilt when you take time away from them — for anything — to take care of yourself and your needs. My advice is to pursue personal happiness, within reason, because a happy parent has happy children. Being a martyr isn’t a great idea, that’s playing win-lose, and in that situation, everyone loses. Take the time out to date, feel great about yourself, have adult company. Your kids want you to be happy, too!
What are some romantic challenges you face as a single parent? How have you overcome them?
One of the big romantic challenges is when to introduce someone to the kids. Sooner rather than later could mean they get attached, but the relationship doesn’t work out. Later could mean you’re attached but the kids hate your chosen person. My daughter absolutely gave my now-husband a terrible time for the first two years after we were married. Eventually she came to her senses and now they are like two peas in a pod. I overcame this by being patient, spending quality time with each of them, and calling a time-out when necessary. We also used a therapist to help us set boundaries and navigate these, for us, unchartered waters.
How long did you wait to introduce the new significant other to your child?
I waited until the third date to introduce my husband, but I had already had multiple conversations outside of our dates to get to know him better and ensure our direction and desires were in alignment. I suggest waiting until you’re at least moderately sure the relationship is going somewhere, just to protect everyone from unnecessary hurt.
What are your own rules for dating as a single parent?
My rules were to date after I had enough time to heal from my marriage, be sure about why I was dating and what I wanted from dating. Then, and only then, I allowed myself to be open to dating. As a single parent, there was no time for “just dating” … I personally wanted to set my intention before I left through my front door.
What advice can you pass on to single parents who are struggling, either with balance or with the prospect of dating?
Again, take the time to date and fulfill your adult needs for companionship, company, conversation and intimacy. They’ll make you a better overall person and parent.
For more advice on navigating the single parent scene, visit our Care.com Interview Series: 6 Tips for Dating as a Single Parent »
Honorée Corder is the author of The Successful Single Mom book series Tall Order! and the upcoming The Successful Single Mom Finds Love! She is a personal transformation expert who specializes in helping individuals and professionals achieve their maximum potential. You can find Honoree on Twitter.
Photo used with permission from Honoree Corder.
