After a parent dedicated their life to taking care of you, it can feel natural to want to return the favor in their older years. However, knowing when and exactly how much to help an aging parent or other older loved one isn’t always easy to discern. After all, either overstepping or regretting being too hands off can lead to friction.
“When you just want to help your parent, it’s very easy to run away with it and start taking over their lives,” says Laura Horton, a registered health professional and caregiver to two parents. “They may also feel bullied, even though that’s the last thing you intended.”
If you find yourself currently contemplating whether to step in or continue celebrating your loved one’s independence, you are not alone. We consulted experts who shared common signs to be on the lookout for when it comes to your aging parents or loved ones, their safety and their health.
Signs an aging parent needs help or support
When evaluating an older adult’s situation, it’s essential to take a holistic approach and look at overall health, according to Dr. Steve Lee, president of Conviva Physician Group, a network of primary care clinicians specializing in senior care in Florida and Texas. However, there are specific signs to take into consideration that a loved one might be struggling.
“When you just want to help your parent, it’s very easy to run away with it and start taking over their lives.”
— Laura Horton, registered health professional and caregiver
1. Changes in weight
Unexpected weight loss can be a sign of something “simple,” like lack of nutrition from forgetting to eat, just not eating enough or an inadequate diet. “This is commonly seen in early dementia or untreated depression,” says Dr. Norm Goody, an emergency room doctor, pain and palliative care specialist and former hospice medical director. “Or it could be the sign of a serious underlying medical condition that is being neglected, like cancer.”
2. Changes in sleep patterns
Are they struggling from sleep disturbances or have delayed waking times each morning? A significant change in sleep patterns may indicate declining health.
3. Emotional changes
A shift in moods with both familiar and new people may point to pain or struggles with chronic conditions that they don’t want to share but which might need medical attention, notes Dr. David Hatfield, chief medical officer at Hatfield Medical Group, a network of doctors who specialize in providing primary care for people on Medicare in Arizona.
4. New bruises
Older adults may or may not share their mobility challenges, and bruises can indicate that they’re having trouble. “Doctors can support them and even provide advice on increasing strength to prevent falls,” adds Hatfield.
5. Trouble managing medications
“From refilling or remembering to take them or even expressing frustration at the number of medications from different specialists, this could be a sign your parent needs a primary care doctor to manage their prescriptions,” says Hatfield.
6. Inability to follow medical directions
Are they intentionally or unintentionally ignoring doctors’ recommendations? Skirting a doctor’s advice could lead to a readmission, which might also be a red flag, according to Judith Sands, a registered nurse and author of “Home Hospice Navigation: The Caregiver’s Guide.”
7. Increased confusion
Some cognitive signs can manifest themselves in increased confusion with everyday tasks, such as putting groceries away or making their bed, says Hatfield.
If their response to these lapses is emotional upset, Hatfield says this could also be a sign that this is more than regular forgetfulness that can happen to anyone while doing everyday things.
8. A home that isn’t being maintained properly
You might also notice that the house isn’t as well looked after, explains Horton. “These chores can become overwhelming, and all these are signs that your parent is not managing their lives very well,” she notes. “It may be an indication of physical illness which has not yet manifested.”
9. Missing doctors’ appointments
Failure to schedule or to attend follow-up appointments due to confusion or lack of caring can be problematic. Not scheduling or following through with preventive appointments can also be a red flag.
10. Lack of grooming
A decline in their personal hygiene can be a sign of depression, change in their health inability to care for oneself, or need to change a previously trusted doctor explains Liz Barlowe, president/certified care manager of Barlowe and Associates, which offers aging life care management and patient advocacy in Florida.
11. Noticeable difference in dexterity
“The parent may seem more clumsy and drop things a lot and may even have an altered gait,” said Danielle DiBlasi, a full-time caregiver. “These signs can be hard to recognize at first because they can be easily written off as stemming from tiredness or stress — especially if close family doesn’t want to accept something may be wrong.”
12. Changes in overall appearance
Examples of changes to note include appearing pale (which could indicate circulation issues or anemia) and making unusual facial expressions or bodily movements (which could point to a stroke), explains Lisa Owens, a registered nurse and vice president of clinical operations at Cosán Group, a healthcare organization offering concierge home care for older adults.
Signs your older loved one is doing well on their own
Consider these tips for evaluating that it’s OK to step back:
Observe everyday tasks
If your parent is capable of tackling everyday to-dos like getting to the post office, grocery shopping for the week or walking their dog, and prove safe while doing them, you can step back, says Sands.
Look at how they are filling their days
Consistently maintaining a social life requires a certain level of physical and mental function, so if they’re keeping up with friends, you can rest easier.
Peek inside their refrigerator
“Doing their own shopping and keeping the fridge full of fresh food indicates that they are taking care of their needs,” says Hatfield.
“Doing their own shopping and keeping the fridge full of fresh food indicates that they are taking care of their needs.”
— Dr. David Hatfield
See if they are consistent with doctors
When parents are staying on top of picking up prescriptions and engaging with their doctors, this is a positive sign that they’re on top of their health care, according to Hatfield.
Consider how well they are able to navigate their homes
“Even if they have mobility challenges, if your parents are using their walker regularly, they can maintain their independence,” says Hatfield.
Check out their transportation
“If they have access to transportation and can get to their medical appointments and do essential shopping, that is a good sign that they are doing well being independent,” Hatfield adds.
See how they respond to your concerns
“If your parent has a valid plan to address your concerns, you may want to step back or at least pause to allow them to improve the situation or circumstances,” Barlowe says. “Allow them time to consider what is needed and then to initiate the plan.”
Next steps when an aging parent needs help
If you realize that an aging loved one needs additional support, you’ll want to figure out how you can best support them during this transition. Here are a couple next steps to follow:
