Everything changes when you have kids. Suddenly, their health and happiness becomes your priority. You work hard to create a life they enjoy. But how do you know if it’s working? Are your efforts paying off? How can you tell if yours is a truly happy family?
To get some indication of how happy your family is, read these signs from Dr. Robin Berman, a psychiatrist and author of “Permission to Parent,” and Kirk Martin, a behavioral consultant and founder of Celebrate Calm.
According to Dr. Berman, parents who observe their children for signs of happiness are in for a surprise. “Having kids is like having a mirror pointing back at you,” she shares. So when you’re looking for clues in your kids as to their happiness, you may see a glimpse of yourself staring back. “And that’s why kids are a glorious opportunity to evolve,” she says with a smile.
Here are seven things happy families have in common, and how they point to a family’s inner happiness:
- You Have a Clear Family Hierarchy
Happy families have a healthy “top-down” behavioral hierarchy, first and foremost, says Dr. Berman. This doesn’t mean all decisions come from above, with no one else’s input. Instead, it means that if you see great character traits in your children, like honesty or dependability, it’s because they learned it from you. And that’s rewarding for everyone.
- Your Kids Feel Safe Talking to You
You have a happy family if your kids and spouse feel safe to be honest. “Kids who are afraid? They sneak,” says Dr. Berman. “They say things like, ‘My mom would have gone ballistic if I’d have told the truth!'” And that’s not a happy kid. A happy child may brace herself for Mom’s disappointment, but doesn’t hide from it — because she knows you’ll survive her subpar grades, or that one-time suspension, for example.If your little ones tend to clam up, here are 9 Tips for Getting Kids to Talk About Their Day.
- Your Kids Have a Strong Family Identity
Happy families have a sense of “we.” You’ll know your family is a happy one when you hear your kids and partner saying things like “We aren’t afraid of a little hard work,” or “Football is our thing.” It may even be something seemingly inconsequential, like “Our family loves pizza.” When you hear this, says Dr. Berman, you know your kids are happy in their family identity, and that’s huge.
happy family - You Give Your Kids the Tools to Succeed
According to Martin, you have a happy family when your go-to method of behavioral correction brings you closer to your kids, not further away. “You give your child tools to succeed,” he says, “rather than taking things away — which doesn’t work anyway!” Your discipline should create a bond, not a wedge, between you and your kids, strengthening their emotional well-being.
- You Own Up to Your Mistakes
Happy families apologize. “Occasionally, every parent blows it,” Dr. Berman says, “But then you model a good apology to your kids, too, by telling them, for example, that your message may have been good, but your tone of voice was through the roof, and you’re sorry.” Martin agrees, saying, “You take responsibility for your own part in issues, instead of shifting blame,” and that makes kids feel honored.
- You Love Each Other — Flaws Included
You know your family is happy when you enjoy spending time with each other. “You not only love your kids, you like them — flaws and all,” says Martin. “You accept your kids for who they are, not the child you expected or wanted. You relax and have fun with them.” Being known inside and out — and being loved anyway — is an emotional need for children, and when you fill that need, “happy” is an understatement for their response.
- Your Kids Act With Kindness
Happy kids use respectful tones. They show respect with you, caregivers, siblings and even the dog. “There’s a loving way to say everything,” says Dr. Berman. “All feelings are welcome, but all expressions of them are not.” So your child may be angry or even feel rage, but he may not let that anger fuel his choice of words. Respectful tones expose happy hearts.
Bethany Johnson, a professional writer from Washington, D.C., specializes in the quirks of family life and relationships. When she’s not writing, Bethany and her husband raise both free-range chickens and free-range children on their organic farm in the suburbs.
