You love being there for your child, but it’s just not possible every second of every day. After all, you may need to go to work or take a yoga class — or maybe you just want to go to the grocery store by yourself once in awhile.
That means you’re going to need to prepare to leave your baby in the loving care of your partner, a grandparent or a professional caregiver. However, what happens if your baby is uncomfortable or, worse yet, completely loses it crying in the arms of someone else?
Here are five tips that will help if your baby cries every time you hand them over.
1. Keep your cool
Your baby’s distress is hard for everyone — you, your baby and your partner or caregiver. The most important thing is for everyone to stay calm. Janet Lansbury, author of “Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting” and a certified parent/infant guidance class instructor, says caregivers in this situation should remind themselves that remaining calm is crucial because babies are ultra-aware.
“[Babies] are unnerved by our anxiety,” says Lansbury, “and it can make them cry even more.”
2. Talk it out
Your baby can’t verbally communicate with you, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk to them. Lansbury suggests talking through the restless moment with your little one in a calm way.
She uses the example of a mom needing to use the restroom: her partner or caregiver can hold the baby while mom is busy, acknowledge the baby’s discomfort and calmly speak to the child. Say things such as, “I know it’s tough to wait” and “We’ll wait together” until mom returns. This soothing talk reassures your baby and helps them adjust to being cared for by someone else.
3. Look for bonding opportunities
It might sound a little strange to use a moment when your baby is crying as a bonding opportunity, but parents can really step up in these instances. Lansbury advises caregivers to allow the child to express their feelings freely. Provide support throughout the crying spell by acknowledging that the baby is upset and giving loving care by swaddling, singing or doing other age-appropriate activities.
By making babies feel safe and supported, even when they are crying, a trusting bond can develop, which can help ease crying the next time that you need to pass the baby to an older sibling or a babysitter.
According to Amy Webb, who holds a doctorate in child development and family science, this can even be a bonding exercise for the parent who is leaving. Your little one will learn that their parent always comes back, which helps to build trust and reduce the time your baby cries for you when you leave.
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4. Ignore quick fixes
When hearing your crying baby, your immediate aim may be to calm them. However, do not rely on “quick fix” methods such as overfeeding or distracting them with a toy. With these short-term methods, the tantrum will just start again when the distraction is over.
Instead of discouraging the cries, reassure your baby that you’ll be back soon — and then keep your promise.
5. Relax, it’s normal
If baby cries with others (or with anyone but mom), it may be due to attachment, says Webb. Babies often see their primary caregiver as a “home base” of sorts, she explains, and they are only comfortable exploring the world when mom or dad is around.
At around 9 months, separation anxiety is also at play here — babies are learning that objects and people still exist even though they can’t see them. “They begin to know that even though mom is out of the room, she still exists,” says Webb, “and they want her.”
Some babies can develop a sense of object permanence as early as 4 to 5 months old, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics, so some separation anxiety can begin to show around then.
Remember this is a normal milestone in your baby’s life and allows your little one to process their feelings. It can be hard sometimes, but try to take a deep breath, knowing this stage won’t last forever.
